A lingering feeling that I couldn’t quite shake or put my finger on had been following me for days (I tried sneaking out the house with a cap pulled down over my face, but it just waited for me around the corner, jumped out, yelled boo and scared the crap out of me). Then, finally, the feeling broke and silent tears ran down my face – one long continuous cathartic stream that drained my heart of unfelt sorrow.

My mind searched for the memories to help identify the source of this unexplained emotion. They were rather hazy at first and needed some dusting off, but after giving them a good clean and polish, my ex came flooding back to me. Its been a number of years since our relationship, so why now, after all this time was I being haunted by him again?

I felt the need to put on a song that reminded me of our relationship. At first I struggled to remember one (it really has been a long time), but then I remembered the song that I played, as I said goodbye to our relationship and the house we lived in. I remember reliving the memories of our relationship, the good and the bad, the highs and the lows, and pondering how all that had come down to me standing alone in the middle of the lounge room with my suitcase, a Peter Stuyvesant and “Fade” by Kimblee circling round on the decks at full volume.

As I stood there smoking my cigarette, I became part of the music and it drowned out the emotional enormity of the task I was about to undertake – just for that moment I was suspended between my old life and my new life. I knew, as soon as I walked out of that room, I was going to change the course of my tomorrows forever, and our relationship would become a memory that would eventually fade into nothing.

I could never have known how prophetic that song would turn out to be, (“baby it seemed so right, baby it seemed so wrong … its been a long long time, since you’ve been on my mind and I, I must forget about us”), and that it would find me over 2 years later and facilitate the healing I didn’t know I needed. I had moved on long ago, but my soul was letting me know that there was something else I had to do. The song stirred old emotions in me and brought up a sense of loss.

The loss of the promise that the relationship was, all that he hadn’t delivered that I deserved, and what it took from me by the end. I realised that I did want to meet someone one day who was worthy and wholly appreciative of what I have to offer, and unless I paid attention to this (dealing with it instead of drinking wine until it passed) I might choose to sub consciously stay in the security of being “single and fabulous” longer than I should, and what a tragic loss to mankind that would be!

I was then overcome with a sense of calm and clarity. I didn’t need to regurgitate the relationship and get stuck in analysis parlaysis, I just needed to stand back at look at the relationship with the benefit of a number of year’s distance and identify why I had attracted it. I wrote down all the qualities in the men I have been with in the past, and realised I attract unavailable men.

 Now I am able to clearly see the types of men I should avoid – top on the list are shift workers and workaholics. This trip down memory lane has also allowed me to see just how far I’ve come since then, and how much better off and happier I am without a toxic relationship in my life.

Copyright 2009 | Gaynor Alder

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