Two weeks of working into the early hours and spreading myself too thin, and I am mentally, emotionally and physically shattered. How have I ended up exhausted and lost in the middle of other people’s problems and needs? I’ve always had a strict guest list only door policy, but it seems the bouncer has let too many people onto my red carpet.

As women, for us to maintain our well being, have balanced lives and successful relationships, we must have boundaries. Without a red rope to protect you from the crowd, you will get walked all over, and there are only so many people who can enter the VIP section, before it gets over crowded and you start to feel suffocated. We must learn when we need to put ourselves first in the name of self preservation. However, many of us find saying no as excruciating as going through childbirth without an epidural (I haven’t been there myself, but the stories are enough to have me cross my legs so tight I get a varicose vein).

Why don’t we like saying no? We don’t want to let people down, we love our friends and we want to be there for them, and for the people pleasers amongst us, we don’t want other people to be disappointed by us. However the nasty disease of not being able to say no, often stems from being hijacked by the guilt that we are being selfish. Sure, yes you could become too cold and detached putting yourself first all the time, as a platform to not have to really give too much of yourself in friendship. I think the freedom lies in being able to distinguish that selfishness and self respect are two different playing grounds. Self respect is taking care of yourself and choosing wisely where you devote your energy, so that you maintain your well being and are able to give to others when you want to. Selfish is acting like a spoilt 4 year old that doesn’t want to share her new toys she got for christmas with any of the other kids. There is a very different energy behind the two of them, and it doesn’t take much to work out the difference.

Friendships are a beautiful thing and having boundaries only makes them stronger. I have close friends, who I love with everything I have. I will take their calls at 2am and I will drop anything to be there for them when they need me, and I never feel drained when I do it. They have a special place in my heart, because of who they are, and the history of the friendship between us. They are long term solid friendships, with a high level of respect and understanding. They accept and love me for who I am, and I am completely free to be myself when I am around them. They know that if I can’t be there, I still love them and they would never resent me for it. It’s nothing personal towards others, but there is only so much room for people like this in my life. It doesn’t mean I don’t let other people onto my red carpet and develop friendships that could lead to the velvet lounges of VIP, or that I don’t enjoy beautiful friendships with people on other levels, it’s just that there is only so much I can give, before I wind up exhausted.

If you are a man who wants to be part of my life, then you need to show me that you respect the class, style and substance I have to offer. My bottom line non negotiables are no drugs and no porn. This doesn’t mean you sneak the odd ecstacy pill in with your mates under the guise that because I wasn’t around and it was only once or twice, it doesn’t matter – no drugs period. No porn also includes pictures of semi naked girls hung up in your room (even if you consider them “art”). If you want to be with me, you need to worship me as the most beautiful woman in your life. If this isn’t who you are or who you want to be, then don’t waste my time. Don’t pretend to be something that you’re not, just to be with me. In essence, I am looking for a man, not a boy. Needless to say, if you’re the type who reads Zoo magazine or can’t say no to your mates when they invite you to a strip club, we’re not going to hit it off.

On a professional level, I will not work for anyone who doesn’t treat me with respect. I don’t care who you are, just because your pay packet is bigger than mine and you have a title in front of your name, it doesn’t give you the right to be an asshole. As much compassion and empathy I have for people, I don’t want to know my work colleague’s personal problems, especially if they have bi-polar disorder when we have only worked with each other for 3 weeks – I don’t get paid to be a therapist too. I will not do 2 people’s jobs for the price of 1, nor will I overwhelm myself by delivering something in 2 days that takes 4.

If you don’t have or set boundaries, then how can you expect people to respect them? You don’t do anyone any favours when you say yes when you mean no, or fail to set boundaries. You end up overwhelmed and resentful, and the other person ends up compromised because they didn’t know they were doing anything wrong. You don’t have to take on everyone’s problems – you choose how you are there for people and at what capacity. Setting boundaries, doesn’t mean that you have to be cold or that you can’t be generous and caring. Boundaries help you to take care of yourself, so that you can be the best you, both for yourself and for others.

What’s your bottom line and what do you need to start saying no to?

Copyright 2009 | Gaynor Alder