“TOTO I DON’T THINK WE’RE IN KANSAS ANYMORE”
After a couple of what now seems like cushy years, I’ve thrown myself back out there. I’m back in transition whilst I go through many changes to move towards what I want from 2010. I know exactly where I’m going, but it seems just outside of my grasp, like a baby crying for its bottle whilst motioning towards it with its hands clasping and unclasping in a desperate attempt to secure milk from its mother.
I used to be good at drawing strength from within during times of uncertainty, but now, I’m just not match fit. I feel stuck and frustrated and it’s getting me down, really down. Every time I try to move forward, I feel like I’m crunching gears. I just want to click my red shoes together and go home.
Which is just the point. After moving out of my apartment, I don’t have a place to call my own anymore, and having a stable place to live is very important for my emotional equilibrium and to be a general all round functioning member of society. Whilst I look for a new apartment, I’m staying with my friend. A boy. I’m sharing a space with an XBox, DVDs such as Total Recall and karate books.
Then there is house hunting, and quite frankly, I would rather chew off someone elses toenails than look for an apartment in this real estate market. On top of this, money is tight, my jeans don’t fit me anymore, my friend doesn’t have a washing machine, I have quit smoking and cut down my drinking (do not fear, I have decided sex will be my new vice.)
I made a promise this year, that I would be stronger than anything or anyone that tried to stand in my way. You can bet that I will be true to my word. You see, I know all of this is only temporary and from experience enduring unpleasant situations in the past, I know that very soon, I will be looking back on this, whilst swanning about my new apartment and being immersed in the excitement of 2010.
I also know that it takes a tremendous amount of strength to put yourself out there and throw yourself into the unknown. Unless we leave our comfort zone and experience periods of turbulence, we never grow and become all we can become. So many people appear like they have it all together, but that’s because they play it safe by never taking any real risks. It’s easy to keep it together when you always stay in control or live life on auto pilot.
Sometimes when we make big changes and fling ourselves head first in the direction of what we want, things suck for a little while. Sure, I only have one rack to hang all my clothes, my cosmetics are suffocating in the wardrobe and the rest of my belongings are squashed into boxes, but when everything falls into place, having Arnold Schwarzenegger stare at me from the book shelf and hand washing my knickers, will have all been worth it.
I have been pushing and struggling against it, willing for change, willing for everything to just fall into place god damn it. But, then I decided to look a little deeper into the situation. If I was to accept it, instead of fighting against it, I would see that there is a reason why the gears are crunching. I am meant to use this time to finish writing my book before I immerse myself in the rest of the year. Instead of swearing at the universe for not making things happen, I should indeed be thanking it, for presenting me with the free time I need, to help set me up in a position of strength for the year ahead.
Suddenly, everything is crystal clear. My book needs some love. More than that, my baby that I have been writing for the past 8 years wants to be finished, so I can give birth to it. Because it’s time. Quick, call the nurse, I think my waters just broke.
Glad to see you are being positive…look on it as an adventure and another experience in this crazy world…work on your book…and enjoy!..
Good luck, Gaynor. All the very best of it.
I made a big leap myself at the end of last year, leaving fulltime employment to figure out what it is that I really want to do and then to pursue that.
Before all my glorious dreams come true, however, there has been a period where I had to think about whether I wanted to buy a coffee at the cafe today or whether I should save my $3 for tomorrow; when I was stuck in the house for days on end because I had to 1) save money and 2) be seen to be ‘researching’. And, one of the hardest things: I had to endure Christmas and New Year functions with family and friends constantly asking how my plans were going and what I was up to, when I didn’t really know yet or have the confidence to tell them that it was all a little bit uncertain/
However: you and I both know that times like this in our lives can shape our character. You have given yourself the gift of space to let your character grow. Your sense of self, and your writing, no doubt, will be all the better for it. When you are hideously successful in your chosen field, you will look back o this time with fondness and thanks.
So: stick in there and remember that every night you hand wash your undies brings you closer to a time when you are buying La Perla.
xx
You MUST finish your book, lovely! How will agents and publishers know of your brilliant writing and talent unless you finish it?
Cherish this time to nurture yourself (and your book) and you will look back appreciatively, when you are a huge success, from how you grew and what you learnt at this time.
I hope you find an apartment you love soon…. if you need wine, you know where to find it
We have plenty!
Best of luck for the year ahead! x
I once read “The building blocks of life and the universe are the spaces in between.”
Your positiveness will see you regain your sense of perspective, re-evaluate what is important to you so that you can hear your calling more distinctly and see your destiny more clearly – enjoy your space as the universe is telling you its sacred.
Alison,
First, let me say, that your comment about hand washing me knickers bringing me one step closer to buying La Perla had me in stitches! Favourite blog comment ever. I remember leaving my job to become a Jewellery Designer, but I was sick at the time. I remember having to endure Christmas time with everyone asking, so what are you doing? So annoying and I remember the pressure I felt. There needs to be more support for people to have the freedom to explore what they want out of life and not have to have it all together all the time. More “good on yous” instead of people knocking you or picking what you are doing. Luckily, I am well past people caring what i do, and I hope that you have found what it is you want to do and are now moving towards it. Keep me posted – I’d love to hear how everything is going for you. We are definitely on similar paths – I love people who have the courage to explore and do what they really want to do.
Love your work!
Helen,
Thanks for your encouragement. I am definitely feeling more centred and focused now, having got in touch with what I am meant to be doing right now.
Dearbhla – Thank you for you lovely comments, and yes it is a crazy ride sometimes, but that is all part of the adventure of doing what you really want to do in life, instead of accepting what everyone expects or settling for the 9-5 rat race.
Hi:)
I really like your blog; so that´s why i am a follower:)
From Norway. have a smashing day, SP