FRIENDSHIP DEAL BREAKERS
I am lucky enough to count some very beautiful people as fabulous friends. For these special people, I will walk the end of the earth – I support, listen, comfort, celebrate, understand and care – because I love them and I want what is best for them.
However, I have come to realise that there are other people out there who take advantage of my good nature. People who deplete me by using me as their emotional dictionary to help prop themselves up and make sense of the feelings and problems that they can’t in their own lives, yet when push comes to shove, are only in the friendship for themselves. It’s time to kick these people to the kerb, and for me to stop facilitating these scenarios.
I’ve known for a long time that I need to be more discerning, and I have been. I’ve been conscious of the people I let into my life, but the wrong people still sometimes seem to slip through the cracks, who end up disappointing me with sickening displays of selfishness that make a mockery of everything I have ever invested into them.
One of the great things about being in my 30s, is that I now have a backbone. I have become more adept at not taking on board other people’s bullshit. I have learnt when I need to stand up for myself, or when to just remove the person or situation from my life with a pffft and a wave of my hand, because life is too short to be letting other people rain on my parade – especially time wasters who prove not to be worthy of my friendship in the first place.
The other thing about being in my 30s, is that I’ve been around the block a few times. Each time I go around, my shoes and handbags may not only get better, but so does my ability to recognise certain types of people, and more importantly which ones to avoid. I have come to value friendship as a precious commodity, and if I was to float the friendships I have with the people I love on the stock market, they would surely have to be worth their weight in gold.
However, there are some high risk bad investments out there to avoid like one of those dodgy pyramid schemes:
- The passive aggressive pain in the ass
- The green eyed monster
- The high maintenance drama queen
- The toxic energy vampire who sucks the life out of you with all their problems and dramas
- The needy and demanding narcissist
- The good time friend (closely related to the false friend)
- Blunt, aggressive and moody people
- Acquaintances that think you are BFFs after meeting one or two times
- Friends you can’t be yourself around
What are your friendship deal breakers?
I was just going to write a post about something similar.
I have what my best friend refers to as a “sometimes friend”. When it works out for her, she is a great friend. When something better comes along, it’s like I never existed.
I’ve gotten used to not counting on invitations from her. Because inevitably they never come to fruition as someone better takes my place.
I am ALWAYS the one friends contact for when the need an ear to listen or a shoulder to cry on. I am also ‘the advisor’. Any other time, I hardly hear from these so called ‘friends’. One sided friendships are not on… it goes both ways, people!
I agree Kelly that there should be a balanced exchange of energy in friendship. I am giving and caring by nature, and I give to my friends not because I expect anything in return, but because I want to. In saying that, people with our types of natures need to be aware of the leeches out there.
Another way of looking at those type of people that come into your life is why are you reacting to them, everyone comes into our lives as a reflection of a component of ourselves. If there is strong resistance to someone (especially in a negative way) it usually means there is something there within yourself that you don’t like about yourself and it is therefore the opportunity to confront it and release the limitation.
We are always going to come across people that have less self awareness and don’t understand what is going on or why they behave the way that they do, the way that we can be better people is to be non-judgmental and accepting of their limitations. Everyone can’t be the same as you because they are going to have different belief systems, different limitations, different experiences.
I know this ’cause I’ve been through it, yes it’s a disappointing process but looking in rather than out and being accepting and non-judgmental is far more powerful and you watch, ‘those people’ will start to disappear from your life because you’ve learnt that lesson (and those types of lessons are usually ego related)
Thanks for your feedback – I am not so much into the philosophy of people necessarily mirroring us as a component of ourselves (although I completely respect your point of view), but I do always look to myself in a situation, and the golden nugget for me is that I facilitate these situations by being too nice. Of course, it goes much deeper than this (i.e. I know why I do this, but I like to retain some level of privacy on my blog, even though I do write about many personal thoughts). Here’s to these kinds of people no longer being in my life – because, I am taking a stand and changing my behaviour in response to them. I also believe not judging people and accepting their limitations can become harmful – especially if they are not treating you with respect.
Gaynor, I do so remember where you are in your life and can only say … go girl! As we mature we understand so much more and thankfully, hopefully grow from all that we experience… I have a beautiful daughter, she is 22 this year and it truely is wonderful to see beautiful young women hold there own and live their life to the absolute max… I wish you love, happiness, success and all that your heart desires and of course for the good of all concerned…
To Being a Woman, a Goddess, and True to yourself!
xxx
P.S. Love your subtitle 2 of my favourite movies/shows!
x
There’s nothing worse than putting your all into a relationship when that effort isn’t reciprocated. You can always tell ‘the type’. They talk and talk and talk and when it’s your time to vent they are on auto pilot saying “mmm.. yeah.. mmm..”.
I’ve learnt to take those type of people with a grain of salt and just focus on those who truly matter in life. Put your time and energy into your true friends.
Hi Gaynor, I love your blog, well put and it is the realisation I have come to as well. I totally agree about ditching those friendships that aren’t a two way street. But the true valuable friendships that are genuine, where do you find them? As you get older it is so hard to meet people, especially genuine people you click with, and most people are settled down with thier besties, so to speak. When you are younger you have so many friends but as you get older and have less time available and busy with so many things you end up with a handful of friends that you invest in, and I had a handful of friends that I invested so much into for many years and would do anything for, but that was part of the problem, I therefore didn’t bother investing into other friendships, then one day you come to realise the relationships are not equal and that you don’t get back what you are putting in, you see these sides that you didn’t see before like you described in high risk bad investments, we change and move in different directions and grow apart until you finally realise you are hanging on to something that is no longer there or not what you thought it was and decide it is time to move on, but there is no great BFF waiting in the wings, these were the great BFF. I am sure there must be other people in the same situation with a few good friendships that end up breaking down over time for one reason or another and then find themselves without a best friend, but the thing is, how do you even start replacing something that took 5, 10, 20 years of investment? Anyway might be a good topic for one of your blogs, would be interesting to get another’s insight on the subject.
The people that I have in my life are there to support, encourage and challenge me. Celebrate the wins and be there to catch me when I fall. As I do with them. Of course, friends have come and gone as life changes and we move on. My antenna is quite strong so there are few people that I have “cast aside” as friends because they haven’t “earned” that title.
Gaynor have you read The Circles by Kerry Armstrong? This is a wonderful book that takes you through a process of looking at your friendships. Here is a link to Kerry talking about the book and the process
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YhGs6a7f8Yc