I’ve met some lovely people over the past years that I’ve unfortunately had to let go of, because they’ve strangled me with their neediness, demands and unrealistic expectations.

From treating me as their counsellor for all their problems as soon as I met them, to cracking it whenever I said no to going somewhere, it just became too hard. Too draining. Too exhausting. Absolutely suffocating.

It’s not that I didn’t think they were nice people or that we couldn’t have been good friends in time. But they had issues that they projected onto me and held me responsible for. I’m sorry, but I just don’t have the energy for it, nor should I have to – especially when they had a passive aggressive throw down. Friendships – real friendships, take time.

Bring suffocated by other people’s unrealistic expectations is a common theme that I’ve heard many friends discuss in confusion. On one hand they care for the person, but on the other, they feel manipulated by guilt over things that they don’t feel that they should have to.

The conclusion many end up drawing is that people shouldn’t expect things from us. Whilst I agree (and have certainly felt this myself) I am not sure that this is a hard and fast rule that actually works in reality.

For, I have experienced the other end – the other end where I’ve felt let down and disappointed by people’s poor form, and then felt trapped and confused by the belief that “we shouldn’t expect things”, thus disempowered to express my disappointment.

So, where do we stand on expectations in friendship? How do we know the difference between being over expectant or feeling rightfully disappointed? I think the key lies in the word unrealistic.

Yes, it’s unrealistic to expect someone you don’t really know that well to turn up to your birthday. Yes it’s unrealistic to get upset when someone is sick and can’t make it to something you’ve organised. Yes, it’s unrealistic to get upset when a good friend who you’ve known for a long time wants to take a rain check (because we all need to cut our friends some slack, especially when they always make an effort).

But, of course it’s okay to feel disappointed if someone close to doesn’t turn up to something special with no good reason, especially if you haven’t seen them in a long time. But, of course it’s okay to feel disappointed if someone close can’t make it to your wedding. But, of course it’s okay to feel disappointed when someone doesn’t give you the same understanding you always give them.

I am not sure you can really draw a finite line in the sand to differentiate between the two. What I do know is this – the more you can surround yourself with people who have your best interests at heart, and are not just in the friendship for what they are getting out of it for themselves, the less this will be a problem. Having friendships based on trust, respect and understanding sure does go a long way.

What are your thoughts on this friendship quandary?

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