“The greatest thing you’ll ever learn, is just to love and be loved in return” – Moulin Rouge
For the past few years I’ve been a coquettish minx of the night, kicking men out of my bed with my Dolce and Gabanna heels and avoiding commitment like someone had just asked me to chew off my own toe nails.
But now I find myself with a real competitor for my affections, and it’s left me running for cover. For someone who has been able to conduct casual sex with the utmost of finesse, and get in and out (literally) without so much as flicker of emotion (yes, that was great, but please don’t be calling me or anything annoying like that) I was floored when I found myself kissing the man in question in the rain on Flinders St for a good ten minutes with traffic and people passing by and dancing under a gazebo whilst he hummed the music in my ear like a scene from The Notebook. There in those moments, time stood still and my heart burst open, and it was exquisite.
How the feck did this man manage to infiltrate my walls, and succeed where no man has before? Why is my heart shutting down again, and is it possible for me to open it again, and let love back in. Yikes! Did I just mention the L word?
I have known the man in question for over a year, but never for one moment did I think he was romantically interested in me. That was until he told me one night how he felt about me, and I was floored beyond belief. You might as well have told me that Jordan had given up botox.
I of course gave him a one night only pass, but he refused and said that I deserved so much more than that. Had he lost his marbles?! He was turning down a one night stand?! However, t’was not 5 minutes later that there was a knock at the door, after telling the taxi that he just got in to go home, that he was passing up the opportunity of a lifetime and that he was getting out.
The one night stand became a window of 3 strikes you’re out, to the status of “summer fling”. Even after spending a week together house sitting for a friend, I was still as cold as ever on the romance front. But then something changed. I started talking to him online at night.
It was in these conversations that I discovered someone that in all the time that I known him, I had never seen before. Deep. Beautiful. Tender. I won’t tell you all the beautiful things he said about me, because they are private, and he is the kind of person that holds things close to his heart, but I will tell you this. They came from a very pure place. So pure that they moved me to tears.
We started going out in the evenings. Walking on the beach and watching the sunset. Going to dinner. Sitting on the foreshore and watching the moon’s light glisten over the glassiness of the still and calm water. Just being with each other and spending time together. Laughing. Talking. Oh, and yes let’s not forget the dancing.
This is all sounding so swimmety swell, so why are you not falling head over your manolos for him, and why on earth did you run out of the car the other week and tell him to forget about you?
Well, I wish I had more control over my heart, but I don’t. You see, I had to shut it down in order to cope over the past few years. It was something I had to do for self preservation until I could get myself to a position of strength, and I here I am. Yet, the thought of romance now entering my life has me spiralling out of control, and my heart has become so good at protecting itself from myself, that it goes into auto pilot and pushes away anyone or anything that resembles romance.
But, it’s time to start talking to my heart, and telling it just exactly who is boss. For, I can’t let it hold me back anymore. There will be some hoops to jump and emotions to move through, but if I don’t do it, I will stay where I am now. Sure my life is grand, and I am happy, but my heart is numb to love and romance, and it’s not who I really am.
For I believe in love. It’s more important than anything else, and it’s the driving force in our lives. For people don’t remember when you die how much money you earnt, the targets you achieved at work or the house you lived in – they remember how you made them feel and the love that you shared.
I also have someone in my life who puts me first. Who adores me. Who worships the ground I walk upon. Who gets me. Who is trustworthy. Who is willing to be patient with me as I work through this and put his heart out there knowing that there are no guarantees, knowing that I may come out the other end and he may not be the one for me. But I tell you this, no matter what happens, he has made me feel more special than anyone has ever before, and I’m sure there’s something in that.