LEARNING HOW TO FALL IN LOVE AGAIN
“The greatest thing you’ll ever learn, is just to love and be loved in return” – Moulin Rouge
For the past few years I’ve been a coquettish minx of the night, kicking men out of my bed with my Dolce and Gabanna heels and avoiding commitment like someone had just asked me to chew off my own toe nails.
But now I find myself with a real competitor for my affections, and it’s left me running for cover. For someone who has been able to conduct casual sex with the utmost of finesse, and get in and out (literally) without so much as flicker of emotion (yes, that was great, but please don’t be calling me or anything annoying like that) I was floored when I found myself kissing the man in question in the rain on Flinders St for a good ten minutes with traffic and people passing by and dancing under a gazebo whilst he hummed the music in my ear like a scene from The Notebook. There in those moments, time stood still and my heart burst open, and it was exquisite.
How the feck did this man manage to infiltrate my walls, and succeed where no man has before? Why is my heart shutting down again, and is it possible for me to open it again, and let love back in. Yikes! Did I just mention the L word?
I have known the man in question for over a year, but never for one moment did I think he was romantically interested in me. That was until he told me one night how he felt about me, and I was floored beyond belief. You might as well have told me that Jordan had given up botox.
I of course gave him a one night only pass, but he refused and said that I deserved so much more than that. Had he lost his marbles?! He was turning down a one night stand?! However, t’was not 5 minutes later that there was a knock at the door, after telling the taxi that he just got in to go home, that he was passing up the opportunity of a lifetime and that he was getting out.
The one night stand became a window of 3 strikes you’re out, to the status of “summer fling”. Even after spending a week together house sitting for a friend, I was still as cold as ever on the romance front. But then something changed. I started talking to him online at night.
It was in these conversations that I discovered someone that in all the time that I known him, I had never seen before. Deep. Beautiful. Tender. I won’t tell you all the beautiful things he said about me, because they are private, and he is the kind of person that holds things close to his heart, but I will tell you this. They came from a very pure place. So pure that they moved me to tears.
We started going out in the evenings. Walking on the beach and watching the sunset. Going to dinner. Sitting on the foreshore and watching the moon’s light glisten over the glassiness of the still and calm water. Just being with each other and spending time together. Laughing. Talking. Oh, and yes let’s not forget the dancing.
This is all sounding so swimmety swell, so why are you not falling head over your manolos for him, and why on earth did you run out of the car the other week and tell him to forget about you?
Well, I wish I had more control over my heart, but I don’t. You see, I had to shut it down in order to cope over the past few years. It was something I had to do for self preservation until I could get myself to a position of strength, and I here I am. Yet, the thought of romance now entering my life has me spiralling out of control, and my heart has become so good at protecting itself from myself, that it goes into auto pilot and pushes away anyone or anything that resembles romance.
But, it’s time to start talking to my heart, and telling it just exactly who is boss. For, I can’t let it hold me back anymore. There will be some hoops to jump and emotions to move through, but if I don’t do it, I will stay where I am now. Sure my life is grand, and I am happy, but my heart is numb to love and romance, and it’s not who I really am.
For I believe in love. It’s more important than anything else, and it’s the driving force in our lives. For people don’t remember when you die how much money you earnt, the targets you achieved at work or the house you lived in – they remember how you made them feel and the love that you shared.
I also have someone in my life who puts me first. Who adores me. Who worships the ground I walk upon. Who gets me. Who is trustworthy. Who is willing to be patient with me as I work through this and put his heart out there knowing that there are no guarantees, knowing that I may come out the other end and he may not be the one for me. But I tell you this, no matter what happens, he has made me feel more special than anyone has ever before, and I’m sure there’s something in that.
Oh Gaynor, I too have been shut down to romance and relationships, as a self preservation thing I have turned men down flat for years. But I recently met a man who just pushed his way in with his sweet and romantic ways. After years of pushing away charming “players” I finally met someone who genuinely wants to sweep me off my feet hollywood romance style.
I am opening up my heart, because I don’t want to be alone forever, and if I let this man slip through my fingers I can guaran-darn-tee it, I will never meet his match.
Hope you can let love in. <3
Tilly, I relate to every single word of what you have written! I think this man I have met is pretty special, and I agree that if I don’t explore it, I will regret it as there are not many men like him. X
I wonder do we ever forget how to fall in love or is it like a riding a bike, being open to getting on, pedaling fast, moving forward and knowing how to keep our balance when we get the wobbles. A beautiful time for you & the gentleman! I can still remember falling in love with my fella even after 15 years together and when feeling buried under the weight of domesticity. Enjoy!
Wow Gaynor! Be brave, go at your own pace, and give it a chance! What’s the worst that could happen? Could you live through it? Bon chance, cherie!
Thank you darling. I have taken your wise counsel on board, and am happy to say that I have stopped running, and started to enjoy the ride.
STOP READING MY THOUGHTS GAYNOR!! Either that, or you’ve been secretly peaking into my heart or diary!
I did this. and ran, and went back, and ran, and went back, and ran. I had to put an end to the rollercoaster, and i miss him terribly. I’m caught between it being too early to jump into something, and delusion that I’m not ready.
I don’t know which way it goes, but until I work it out, there’s only room for one on this ride.
( Oh, and the casual sex/one night stand situations – MUCH easier to deal with!!)
xxxx
Katie
I understand how you are feeling Katie, and it is challenging pushing through the emotions (leaving you want to pull on the breaks to bring the rollercoaster to a screeching halt), but if he is the right one then he will be patient. Take your time and go at your own pace. After three years of being single, I have decided it is time for me to explore love and romance again, but I am taking it one step at a time, and now I am enjoying the ride. Keep me posted x
Oh, I am so happy for you. My heart is shut down for (romantic) love … and has been for a year now. It’s a choice I have made … sometimes I miss grown-up love (and the rest), but for now, I’m shut down and fine with it. I will never say never, but for now I’m happy to devote myself to me, my kids, and my loved ones, and our lives. But I still believe in love, and LOVE to hear happy stories! You go girl!
I completely understand where you are at – and it is a good thing to take time out for yourself and have a break from relationships. This time is for you, and it will make you stronger and more appreciative when love does come knocking at your door. In the mean time, one should never be adverse to a few well timed one night stands
Enjoy your me time x
How beautiful darling.
You deserve nothing less than someone who worships you. Loves you. Who gets you. Someone you can trust. Have fun with. Dance with.
Settling down with someone is only worth it when there’s someone worth settling down for.
And this man sounds like someone who just might be.
Keep us posted. And enjoy every moment.
Thank you for your beautiful heartfelt comments darling xx
Gaynor honey – three words.
Go.for.it.
Kura xox
PS A beautiful article – my favourite
Kura babes,
Thank you, you beautiful creature you.
XX
Wow, this truly touched home for me. It has been the exact way I’ve learned to cope over the years, but I realize that Im fully numb to love and its possibilities, when I am a loving person at heart. I took time out for myself over the last year or two, and have slowly started to be open to the possibility of just being a loving a open person – which means not letting something amazing pass me by, and your story just really touched me, and gave me hope. Thank you for writing this. Just what I needed to read to remind myself and my heart about who’s boss
Tania, I am so glad that my story touched you. I was in exactly the same position as you are now, but have been in a relationship with this fine fellow for nearly 2 years now. And yes, he is the same person I wrote about in this article. Take baby steps, but the first step is always opening up your heart to the possibility of loving again, and when the right man comes along, you will feel safe to take the next steps and slowly open up your heart again. You don’t have to rush anything, and you are free to go at your own pace.