My great, great grandmother Emma Postans {what a woman!}

By Gaynor Alder

Mother’s Day is the day we honour our mums. We buy them gifts to thank them for all they’ve done and sacrificed for us – all selflessly and with endless love. But how can you really find a gift that represents that kind of love? Only words can really do that. And even as a writer, I struggle.

They say that we’ll never really know what our mums have done for us, until we become a mum ourselves. As a mid 30s woman who doesn’t have children, I can’t comment on this, but I can only imagine. But I am an aunty, and I have felt that unconditional love. The kind of love that has you get out of bed when you still have sleep in your eyes, just so you can do crafts together. The kind of love that has you push on to play Monopoly when you don’t have any energy left. The kind of love that has you want to run out in front of a car and take the hit, if they were ever in danger. {Did your mum ever slam on the brakes and immediately put her arms over you when she had to come to a sudden stop at traffic lights, like mine?}

On a recent trip back home to Perth, I started looking up my mum’s mum, and her mum on the internet. My lineage. My heritage. The very reason I am here. All that these woman have done, has contributed to the woman that I am. Whether it is nature or nurture, their lives fascinate me. Because without them, I wouldn’t be.

My great grandmother Emily Smith {nee Mortimer} was one of 20. Yes, that wasn’t a misprint, that said one of 20 {my poor great great grandmother sans modern inventions such as pain relief and stretch mark cream}. They were dairy farmers and established an area in Perth, and many street names are respectively named after them.

My great grandmother Emily aged 4, circa 1904 {the limp and frail looking one in her sister's arms}

As a child, I was always fascinated by this picture of Emily surrounded by her siblings. I would stare at it for ages because the reason the photo was taken, was because they thought she was going to die. And I would often remark, how if she had died, I wouldn’t be here, and the number of lives that would’ve been affected because she didn’t live and have her children, who had their children, who all infiltrated other people’s lives. And for the love of God, the sheer logistics -  we’re talking quite a number of horse and carts that had to trundle through the bush to Fremantle, just to get the photo taken. Here’s the full listing of her siblings on Ancestry.com. Grace Ada and Charlotte did well in the baby stake names, but their sister Fanny, not so well.

Emily’s daughter Beryl, was my dear nanna. A beautiful woman who baked apple pie from scratch, made her own lamingtons and whipped up the best mashed potatoes a kid could ever want. Through her cooking and everything else she did, she loved us with all she had. And she did something else amazing. She gave birth to my mum.

My mum, another beautiful woman. A woman who has worked her life to give us the best life possible. A woman who has always put us first. And this gets me back to my original point. How do you thank a mum for that kind of devotion? All you can do is try.

So my dear mum, thank you for every single second of your love. Thank you for all that you have done for me over the past 35 years, to help make me who I am today.

I hope I have done you proud.

Love Gaynor xx

I mentioned a while ago on Living Savvy, that I met some great people at the launch of Rebecca Sparrow’s new book Find Your Tribe (and 9 other things I wish I’d known in high school). What I didn’t get to talk about at that time was the book itself…

Something For Us All – Regardless of Age

The book is promoted as an indispensable guide for surviving and thriving in your teen years. However, despite the fact I left those behind me long ago, I still found plenty to connect to within the ten lessons – Rebecca’s definitely a savvy woman with a very savvy perspective on life!

What is ‘Finding your Tribe’?

The title of the book comes from the first lesson in which Rebecca comes right to the point:

“Life is too short to hang around with bitchy, negative people. So don’t.

True friends are those that support your dreams, cheer you on… They provide a soft place for you to fall and are there to comfort you… real friends don’t put you down or humiliate you… real friends don’t leave you out… real friends ‘have your back’… they’re fiercely loyal and protective…”

Your tribe, then, are those important friends who help you be your best.

The Importance of Friendship to Living Savvy

When we’re living savvy, and aspiring to live an extraordinary life, we need good friends who share our vision, celebrate with us, encourage and challenge us to be true to who we are and what we believe.

We also need to steer clear of those people who hold us back, drain our energy, or try to make us into something we’re not.

Sometimes it’s very difficult, even as a grown woman (as Rebecca acknowledges in her book!), to recognise those ‘friends’ who are not your true tribe, those that diminish you, and then to take action to get them out of your life.

I think the first step to building your true tribe, to answer the savvy question of ‘Who completes me?’, is to know yourself. Who you are and who you want to be?

Final Word

As I said, find your tribe is just the first of ten lessons in Rebecca’s book – she has much more to say about resilience, health and well-being, career, self-image and belief. This book is definitely worth a read as there is a message (or two, or three) in there for all of us, and, of course, it is a fantastic gift for the younger girls in your life.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Jo Bassett from Living Savvy is an executive and performance coach, team leader and facilitator, wife, mother of two spirited little people, big-time dreamer and idea explorer. She founded the living savvy movement to inspire people like you to live your dream life, and to give you the tools you need to make it happen. Click here to follow her on Facebook, watch on Living Savvy TV, or view her You Tube page.

Why? Because I’m used to managing things on my own. Translation – clamming up until I reach breaking point before I ask for help. Hardly a healthy pattern is it? Certainly not smart.

As modern women, magazines have cut through the superwoman myth, telling us that it’s okay if we can’t hold down the career, motherhood and a social life – and god forbid, time for ourselves. But has this really infiltrated our psyche, and allowed the peace of not having to do it all on our own free us? Do we deep down still expect more from ourselves than is humanly possible?

For me, as someone who works a day job, whilst working towards a dream of becoming a financially self sustained writer on the back end of chronic fatigue syndrome for a decade (which I have thankfully recovered from), things sometimes fall through the cracks.  And, holy hell, on top of that I beat myself up for not having frizz free hair seven days of the week, perfectly manicured nails or tending to my laundry basket as much as it demands.

As much as I know many of these things don’t really matter, they still quietly wreak havoc on my psyche and have a picnic terrorising my thoughts:

Psyche:  “Seriously, are you really going to leave the house with hair looking like that?”

Gaynor: “Oh, but please just let me hit snooze on my alarm a little longer. Pretty please. I’ve been working hard all week long.”

Psyche: “And tell me, what are you going to do about that bag of dry cleaning that has been sitting in the corner for weeks?”

Gaynor: “I promise I will get to it soon. How does tomorrow sound?

Psyche: “When was the last time you called your friends? They’ll disown you soon.”

Gaynor: “I know, yes, I’m such a bad friend.”

Instead of calling a friend when life gets on top of me, I bottle it up and try to manage it all on my own. This is especially crazy when I’m surrounded by beautiful friends who would give their right arm to listen to and support me, as I do them. So why don’t I lavish the same love on myself, as I do them?

Perhaps it’s just my DNA. The way that I am. But, there’s also my inherent fear of burdening people after being burnt by some shabby friends in the past, and not wanting to be judged when I lay things out exactly as they are, no holds barred.

However, those friends who weren’t there for me and showed me their true colours are no longer part of my present. The friends who are in my life now, all offer something different, but one thing is consistent – they love and respect me and want what is best for me – and they will never judge.

This is the beauty of friendship – we have different friends we can turn to for different things. One will comfort you and make you feel safe as you let down your guard and cry into a box of tissues. Another will shake their pom poms for you and give you advice to help you get back up and reach for all that you deserve. Another may dish out some tough love when you need it most (but in just the right way for you). Another will crack a bottle of vino and light your cigarette as you grapple with a crisis. And another will spend hours on the phone with you, just listening and letting you pour your heart out to them so that you can find the strength to dust yourself off and keep on going.

No matter what type of friend they are, one thing is for sure – we can’t do this thing called life without them. We are not superwomen and we can’t do it all on our own. So stop beating yourself up, yes, right this very instant, because no matter how together everyone around us may look, we all fall down. We all struggle from time to time. We all have moments when we think we can’t cope. However, one thing is for sure, it’s our friends who keep us going.

But don’t forget, the very best friend you can have in this world is yourself. So when that little voice in your head starts giving you a hard time, give it its marching orders, because, hell, we can’t always be frizz free god damn it.

Image Credits: 1

As a naturally giving person, I’ve attracted many people in the past who’ve wanted to latch onto what I have to offer. However, these types of people left me drained, and were often big black holes who didn’t actually want to solve their problems for themselves, but rather wanted me to solve their problems for them.

As anyone in my inner circle knows, it’s VIP entry only to walk down my red carpet. It may sound harsh, but au contraire, once you are a friend who gets past the bouncers and shimmies your way up behind the red ropes of the VIP bar, I’ll lavish you with more love than you’ve ever known. Nothing is too much trouble. Your problems are my problems. Your happiness is my happiness. I’ll walk the end of the earth for you. And I’ll expect nothing in return.

But, only so many people can take this place in my heart, and rightfully so. The people in my inner circle are there for a reason. They are not only fun, fabulous and beautiful, but they have substance. They have my best interests at heart. They have integrity. They have loyalty. They are there for me too.

However, there are many who have tried to infiltrate the walls. Some have slipped through, and whilst they may have hurt me with their shallowness or drained me with their problems and done my head in with their crap, I’m safe in the knowledge that they never scaled the heights of the women I call my besties. The women I share my all with. The women I love more than life itself. The women that will always be there no matter what.

I believe that we all need to set standards for the friends we have in our lives, and take a zero tolerance approach to sub standard specimens trying to infiltrate our inner circles. Not in a Paris Hilton kind of way, but in the name of self respect for ourselves.

Sex and the City coined the term frenemies, and it’s a term I think we all have a lot to learn from. There are people who on the surface may seem fun and giving, but delve a bit deeper, and they are engaging your friendship for all the wrong reasons. Whether they are secretly envious of you, want something that you have that they don’t themselves, suffer with low self esteem and latch onto you to be their counsellor, or are just good time friends, these types of people need to be kicked to the kerb. Now.

Friendship, real friendship is rare, which is why many people say they can count them on one hand. I’m lucky enough to count mine having to use my second hand as well. When these friends come to me with a problem it never drains me. For, they mean so much to me, more than anything else in this world, that helping them through what they are going through is a joy and a privilege. Because them being happy, makes me happy, and when they are not, I will do everything in my power to comfort them, uplift them and make them feel better.

Life is too short to share it with people that bring you down and offer you nothing in return. Life is too short to spend time with people that don’t have your best interests at heart. Life is too short to be around people who are only ultimately in “friendship” for themselves.

So, what stops us from rightfully cutting these people out of our lives? Guilt. Guilt, namely because we don’t want to hurt their feelings. But what you need to ask yourself is why you are compromising yourself and your feelings for the sake of someone who doesn’t consider your feelings when they do they what they do, over and over again, to compromise you?

Do you have any one way friendships in your life that drain you?

Dear June,

I know it’s strange that I’m emailing you after hearing the news of your sudden death. I know that you are not going to reply, but I can’t bring myself to delete you from my address book. Every time I type in someone’s name who starts with J, your name comes up. It’s almost as though if I keep emailing you, then you are still alive.

I know that I told you and Allan how much I enjoyed my time staying with you in 99 when I was in the UK, and just how special it was to me. Over the years, we would often reminisce about the times we had together and laugh at all the funny moments we shared. There were so many emails that I ended with my hope of one day returning to spend time with both you and Allan in your lovely village of Churchdown in Gloucester.

You came out many times to Australia. I would always get excited, and would spend time with you, but it was never the same as the time we spent together in the UK. You see, it was the simplest of things spending time with you both, that gave me the greatest amount of joy. Laughing over something on TV, digging about in your freezer which had enough 2 for 1 Sainsbury’s meals to baton down the hatches for a natural disaster, or just driving to a nearby village.

However, the “Forest of Dean” with its own language was to surely be one of our funniest moments, as I bended over laughing, at how people said hello “ow bist ol’ butty” – something Allan and I would say to each other every day, as he opened his shepherds pie in a tin, and tried to coerce me to eat black pudding.

I have so many memories of you. Whether we were “mooching” about Cheltenham with Mary and going into Debenhams, or watching “Corras” (Corronation St) on TV, but my favourite was your 60th birthday that I put on for you just before I left for London. I am not very good in the kitchen, but I followed the recipe to the letter, and made everyone profiteroles with home made chocolate sauce and custard (but I cheated on the ice cream – after all, how could I beat Tartaglias?) We all had so much fun that night, and I have the photos framed in my book case.

We spoke so many times of seeing each other again. Not only did I wish that I would make it back to Churchdown, I fantacised about us all going to Paris together. Even though you were all so much older than me, spending time with you and Allan was so much fun. I know that we would have had a ball together in Paris – shopping during the day, and then drinking at night – brandy of course.

I remember “Brandy Night” fondly when I lived with you both. Mary and Bob would come over, and you would all have a tipple, but most of all a laugh. And this is what I remember most about you and Allan – the laughter. For, you both were such happy souls, and I think it was because you were both soul mates. You were happy with what you had in life, and I honestly can’t remember you ever having an argument the whole time I lived with you. Well, there was just that one, but 30 seconds later you both started laughing at each other, so that doesn’t really count now does it?

I’m still thinking this is a little strange me emailing you like this – but I know that you can still hear me. Somehow. Even if you can’t get on the keyboard and write back to me. Because I know what you would say to me. It would be the same like every other time you emailed me. Full of love. Full of support. Full of happiness.

For, you and Allan were soul mates in the true sense of the term. You had been together since you were young, and when he passed away 12 weeks ago, I fretted how you were going to cope. I have been told that you were doing well, and that you were meant to be going to Africa the day after you fell down the stairs. This is a testament to you, because I know that however sad you may have been feeling about losing Allan, you would have been seeing the positive side of life. But, I can’t help but think, that in some crazy way, that this all happened so that you two can be together again, even if we are all so sad that we can never hug you and laugh with you again.

I will keep writing to you as long as I can – as long as the hotmail gets wind that you are not using your account any more, and my emails start bouncing back. I am not sure which will be worse. Me knowing that you have died, or receiving a generic email to say that my email failed. Because, as long as I can keep writing to you like this, then you will still be alive in my heart.

I wish I had written more to you. Called you more. Skyped you more. You and Allan were both so precious to me.

I am heartbroken that you are both gone.

But I am determined that your lives will mean something. I am determined that you will both live on within all the people that loved you so. I am determined that we will all cherish and enjoy every day with happiness, just like you both did. For there is no greater achievement in life, than just being able to say you were happy – and for this, I consider you both a major success in life. Not for what was in your bank balance. Not for what you did for work. But for all the people who loved you and for all the people you touched throughout your life with your happiness and generous spirits.

Love Gaynor xx

Emily,

You have no idea how much Aunty Gaynor misses you. I love living in Melbourne, but it just isn’t the same without you in my life on a day to day basis since leaving Perth.

I remember all the fun we had when we lived together. How we used to put your hair in my velcro rollers and you would steal my make up and hide it under the couch – but I could never care that you had crushed up my $70 Shiseido eye shadow, because I knew you would have had fun with it. I miss the songs we used to sing to each other. I miss waking up with you begging me to play one of your board games with you. I miss making strawberry smoothies with you. I miss playing crafts with you (whilst your mum was terrorised with all the beads, cardboard and glue that you spread across the house). I miss reading you stories at night. I miss bringing you home a packet of Mentos after work, and seeing your face in between the blinds when I knocked on the door.

But, most of all, I miss talking with you and hugging you. At such a young age, you were always more intelligent than your years, and you’ve always had a charisma and way with people that just makes us all melt. You come up with the funniest things, and they never fail to make us all laugh and fill us with love as we talk about them on the phone.

I already have so many memories from your first seven years, including my recent visit to Perth when we made a puppet theatre, collected shells on the beach in Albany and made jewelery boxes for everyone. And yes, my darling, “I will remember the days that we had” (as you asked me as I woke up with you in my bed when you came to Melbourne) when we went to the zoo, set up a make up studio in my apartment (and charged everyone a $5 note for them to have their make up done, and then told anyone who didn’t have a note, that that was okay because “you’ll take coin”), made up our own games outside and made a picture book of our time together.

There is nothing in this world that makes me happier than spending time with you. When you were born, I was bowled over with a love so strong, that it really did take me by surprise. You see, I have always loved children, but never considered myself the mothering type. But, with you, I understand the love that only a mother can have for a child. A love that would have me run out in front of a car to protect you, no questions asked.

I have your photos framed in my house, and every time I look at them, they make me smile. But they also make me sad, because I just want to be with you. Even though you won’t get to read this (and even if you could, couldn’t fully understand) I want you to know this. Your aunty Gaynor will always be here to look after you, and most importantly love you. Forever.

X

Last Saturday night, I was a guest at my friend Emma’s Parisian Bohemia 40th birthday celebrations. Ann above was wearing a dress circa Pearl Harbour, and she was joined by a Mad Hatter, a green fairy and many more who all looked like they had stepped of the set off a movie with Tim Burton and Baz Lurhman. I was really struck by how much effort every one went to with their costumes, and couldn’t help but feel it was a direct reflection of the birthday girl herself – the fabulous Emma.

I was lucky enough to meet Emma last year when I was invited to write a story on her vintage perfumery that she runs with her partner Rob. I immediately fell head over heels with her vintage style and glamour, but more than that it was her steadfast commitment to her creative integrity that really bowled me over. Emma has boldly put herrself out there to reach for what she really wants, and in my book, this makes her fabulous beyond words.

Following your dream isn’t always easy. There are ups and downs. There are moments when you question whether it’s all going to work out. Moments when you wonder if you’re just plain crazy. But then, there are people like Emma who inspire you to keep going, to keep doing what you’re doing, because there really is no other choice in life to pursue what brings you joy.

So, thank you Emma for being you. Never stop.

Mademoiselle Gaynor x

P.S I insist you wear that costume to my 4oth!

I came across Chloe’s blog called “Heavy Words Lightly Thrown” and was immediately taken by this post. I couldn’t agree more with what Chloe’s mum has to say, and it was just what I needed to be reminded of today. Here’s an excerpt for you to enjoy (and by the way Chloe, I love your mum’s work – what a woman!):

“I thought I would share with you five things my Mum has taught me and five beautiful photographs from iconic fashion photographer Henry Clarke simply because I know she’ll love them.

1. Be honest with yourself
If something in your life is wrong; admit it. Once you find out what that thing is; get rid of it. Never trick yourself into believing things are okay and never deny yourself the pleasure of doing what you actually want to do for the sake of keeping up appearances.”

Click here to read the rest of the post on Chloe’s blog

My dear Katie,

So often in life we wait for certain dates or anniversaries to commemorate what is important to us. But, today I feel the need for no particular reason, other than my love for you, to remind you how special you are to me, and how much I think about your Danny who passed away 6 weeks after your beautiful wedding in 2008.

Nobody (not even me, one of your closest friends) can even begin to understand how it has been since he left you. What I can say is this. The strength and courage you have displayed in the face of this tragedy has inspired me, and everyone else who I have told of your beautiful love story, to cherish every single day we have here on this earth. For, what you have been through puts everything life throws at us into an acute perspective of what is and what isn’t important.

They say that time is a healer, but I know that for you, that it in some ways it only becomes harder as the shock that numbed you to the reality of what happened begins to fade, and you are faced with the reality of Danny not being part of your present. Nothing I can say can ease that pain for you, but I know the ever lasting strength of our friendship can bring comfort to you, to help you face each new day.

As someone who has been by your side ever since you were 11 years old, it was such a joy to see how happy Danny made you, especially him moving to Australia after all those years of a long distance relationship. To know that Danny was with you brought such a peace to my heart, knowing that my girl was going to be just fine no matter what. However, life threw us a massive curve ball, one even though we have spoken at length about it, is still something we both struggle to find the words to fully articulate. I doubt that we ever will.

As frustrating as it is that you can never be really sure that he really is there when you feel him around you, I know in my heart that Danny is still beside you, looking out for you and wanting the best for you. The love that you had for each other was something special, and something I know that you will hold close to you for the rest of your life, as we do him – for we all loved him for how happy he made you, and for the exceptionally rare and beautiful person that he was.

As time continues to pass, know that I will never forget what Danny brought to your life, and that I will always hold his memory close to my heart. For whatever happens for the rest of our lives, I know that we always be holding each others’ hands and we will always look back on Danny as one of the most beautiful human beings ever to grace your path.

There will be never enough words to convey what you and Danny had, but if there is one thing I can promise as your friend, it is this. I will continue to stand with you side by side and come running whenever you need me. For you are my constant, and my happiness comes second to knowing that you are taken care of.

From treating me as their counsellor for all their problems as soon as I met them, to cracking it whenever I said no to going somewhere, it just became too hard. Too draining. Too exhausting. Absolutely suffocating.

It’s not that I didn’t think they were nice people or that we couldn’t have been good friends in time. But they had issues that they projected onto me and held me responsible for. I’m sorry, but I just don’t have the energy for it, nor should I have to – especially when they had a passive aggressive throw down. Friendships – real friendships, take time.

Bring suffocated by other people’s unrealistic expectations is a common theme that I’ve heard many friends discuss in confusion. On one hand they care for the person, but on the other, they feel manipulated by guilt over things that they don’t feel that they should have to.

The conclusion many end up drawing is that people shouldn’t expect things from us. Whilst I agree (and have certainly felt this myself) I am not sure that this is a hard and fast rule that actually works in reality.

For, I have experienced the other end – the other end where I’ve felt let down and disappointed by people’s poor form, and then felt trapped and confused by the belief that “we shouldn’t expect things”, thus disempowered to express my disappointment.

So, where do we stand on expectations in friendship? How do we know the difference between being over expectant or feeling rightfully disappointed? I think the key lies in the word unrealistic.

Yes, it’s unrealistic to expect someone you don’t really know that well to turn up to your birthday. Yes it’s unrealistic to get upset when someone is sick and can’t make it to something you’ve organised. Yes, it’s unrealistic to get upset when a good friend who you’ve known for a long time wants to take a rain check (because we all need to cut our friends some slack, especially when they always make an effort).

But, of course it’s okay to feel disappointed if someone close to doesn’t turn up to something special with no good reason, especially if you haven’t seen them in a long time. But, of course it’s okay to feel disappointed if someone close can’t make it to your wedding. But, of course it’s okay to feel disappointed when someone doesn’t give you the same understanding you always give them.

I am not sure you can really draw a finite line in the sand to differentiate between the two. What I do know is this – the more you can surround yourself with people who have your best interests at heart, and are not just in the friendship for what they are getting out of it for themselves, the less this will be a problem. Having friendships based on trust, respect and understanding sure does go a long way.

What are your thoughts on this friendship quandary?

Image Credits: 1

However, I have come to realise that there are other people out there who take advantage of my good nature. People who deplete me by using me as their emotional dictionary to help prop themselves up and make sense of the feelings and problems that they can’t in their own lives, yet when push comes to shove, are only in the friendship for themselves. It’s time to kick these people to the kerb, and for me to stop facilitating these scenarios.

I’ve known for a long time that I need to be more discerning, and I have been. I’ve been conscious of the people I let into my life, but the wrong people still sometimes seem to slip through the cracks, who end up disappointing me with sickening displays of selfishness that make a mockery of everything I have ever invested into them.

One of the great things about being in my 30s, is that I now have a backbone. I have become more adept at not taking on board other people’s bullshit. I have learnt when I need to stand up for myself, or when to just remove the person or situation from my life with a pffft and a wave of my hand, because life is too short to be letting other people rain on my parade – especially time wasters who prove not to be worthy of my friendship in the first place.

The other thing about being in my 30s, is that I’ve been around the block a few times. Each time I go around, my shoes and handbags may not only get better, but so does my ability to recognise certain types of people, and more importantly which ones to avoid. I have come to value friendship as a precious commodity, and if I was to float the friendships I have with the people I love on the stock market, they would surely have to be worth their weight in gold.

However, there are some high risk bad investments out there to avoid like one of those dodgy pyramid schemes:

• The passive aggressive pain in the ass
• The green eyed monster
• The high maintenance drama queen
• The toxic energy vampire who sucks the life out of you with all their problems and dramas
• The needy and demanding narcissist
• The good time friend (closely related to the false friend)
• Blunt, aggressive and moody people
• Acquaintances that think you are BFFs after meeting one or two times
• Friends you can’t be yourself around

What are your friendship deal breakers?

There are a plethora of average friends in this world. Friends who only stick around for the good times or what they can get out of it for themselves. Friends who turn out to be shallow and selfish when push comes to shove. Friends who get uptight for no good reason and create unnceccesary dramas.

Then there are friends like you. You’ve nursed me through head damage caused by the opposite sex, helped me endure the betrayal of false friends, comforted me through anxiety and uplifted me in times of depression. Because it’s the friends that are there to catch you when the ground falls from under you that matter the most. The friends you can be yourself around, not only when you’re feeling fabulous, but also when you’re feeling vulnerable and fragile.

Then there’s the fun we’ve had. So much fun. The summer at Third Avenue we spent fake tanning, drinking wine, discussing life and counting male conquests. There were the “community service shorts” that gave whiplash to all the men that drove past you; picnics at Hyde Park, the time you hit the brakes, skidded along the road and ran up the kerb, after quickly deciding that yes we needed wine and had to made a sharp turn towards the bottle shop that we had already past; getting “out wide”; putting in the velcro rollers and hitting town; amusing ourselves with people’s “roll outs”; and redoing the tarot cards over and over until we were happy with what they said, or trying a different pack, because “that deck must be shit”.

I knew as soon as I met you that you were fabulous. I was struck by your beauty and the other worldly aura you have about you. Getting to know you, I have come to cherish your wisdom, intellect, quick wit and the way you look at life, because like you, I get frustrated with the lack of people who are willing to step outside societal expectations to live the life they really want to live, and the judgement on those who do.

You have helped me to become who I am today. You liberated me from what everyone else expected of me, and gave me the confidence to follow my heart (sounds like a tacky Hallmark card, but it’s true). I am a different person because I have known you.

Happy Birthday Darling. You are the “Gov”.

XX

You have been my friend since forever. I met you at high school when we were 11, back in the day when Rivers and spiky fringes were the height of fashion, and you weren’t anyone unless you had a pair of Doc Martens and an Esprit T-shirt.

We got along right from the start – when everyone else was squabbling, we were too busy playing with your Elizabeth Arden make-up box and deciding which body suit to wear with our jeans. To this day, over 20 years later, we still haven’t had an argument …. well maybe there was that one time I chucked a major spack because you put the button that the boy I had a crush on had touched, in the gravy at Harbour Chicken. I was only 14 at the time and going through one of my obsessive phases (moi?), but then that was only the beginning of the long list of my obsessions you’ve witnessed.

We have grown up together and shared all of our highs and all of our lows – from Blue Light Discos, high school crushes, getting our licences and driving around in your pink EK Holden with Sonia Dada blaring from the stereo, boyfriends, doing “IT” for the first time with said boyfriends, overdoing the face powder and Tresor perfume and catching the bus into Fremantle, drinking Tequila and throwing up whilst you held my hair back (an alarming trend in my teens), the birth of your Calvin, jobs, overseas holidays to break-ups and unbelievably shitty patches.

Whenever I have reached out for help, your hand has always been there to hold mine. I’ve dialled 000 and you’ve been there in a flash, no questions asked, and NOTHING has EVER been too much trouble. You’ve rescued me from bad relationships, you’ve driven my belongings backwards and forwards between God knows how many places, you’ve been there for me at the other end of the phone and you’ve even driven 40 minutes just to bring me cigarettes. There are also a million other things you have done for me.

Your happiness is my happiness and your sadness is my sadness. The tough times we’ve shared have carved a strength in us both and created an unbreakable bond. But, you are so much more than just a shoulder to cry on. You are one of the most beautiful human beings to walk this earth.

You know what is important and what isn’t important. You always give people the benefit of the doubt, and no matter who may have burnt you in the past, you are always non judgemental and see the good in others. I know amongst so many other things, that this is why Danny loved you the way that he did, and left his family and friends in the US, to come and live in a country he didn’t know, just to be with you.

I will never understand why someone as beautiful as you has had to endure such torture. When I think of you losing your dad and your husband all in the same year, it makes my knees want to buckle and fall to the floor. You are the most corageous woman I know. Every day, you get up and do what you need to do, because you know this is what he would have wanted you to do. That my friend is love. A love so rare and so pure, that anyone would be lucky to experience five minutes of it.

Not only did Danny love you, but he loved Calvin too. They say that you can’t fool children, and the impact Danny had on Calvin in such a short space of time is going to contribute along with the wonderful mother that you are, to Calvin growing up to be one fine young man.

You are my constant and I will love you forever.

GFA xxx

They say when someone dies, that you go through many different stages. From shock, denial, disbelief, anger, depression and acceptance. I don’t know what stage I’m in, but I can say today is the first day, that I have cried, really cried. I think the surrealism of you dying in the middle of a basketball game only 6 weeks after you marrying Kate, has prevented me from being able to really feel the full effects of what happened. My instinct was to do what I needed to do, to support her through what was happening, and in order for me to be strong and support her, I had to numb myself to the sadness.

With me living on the other side of the country, we never really got the chance to get to know each other like we should have, since you moved to Australia from the U.S. to be with our girl. What I can say is this. In the 9 years you knew Kate, no-one ever made her happy like you did, and that was all I needed to know. Meeting you the times that I did, was a real privilege and an honour.

There are so many things I want to say, but I can’t find the words – how can anyone really find the words to fully convey your loss and what you meant to the people who loved you? There are many people who love your wife, and I am one of them. I know that nothing will ever take the place of you, but I promise you this. I will keep loving her and looking after her. Forever.

We miss you.

Love Gaynor X