I love Laura Valerie’s writing over at One April Morning. It’s soulful. It resonates. It’s utterly beautiful. She wrote a gorgeous and insightful article for The Modern Woman’s Survival Guide last year, called The Perfection of Ordinariness, and has since followed it up with From Here I Can Watch The World.

Her thoughts had me ponder my own striving. In striving to live a fabulous life, have I actually been missing the remarkability of the every day in front of me? Dismissing each day in favour of the future. Disregarding the beauty of the present. Deeply dishonouring the precious gift that it is to be given another day of life.

Yes, I want a book deal. BAD. I want to get out of this cramped shared apartment. I want a new job. Things I strive for because I deserve them. Now, I don’t want a book deal for fame (heaven forbid that my cellulite would end up on the cover of Woman’s Day or in a stars without their makeup expose) and it’s okay to want to change your circumstances, but, I realise that wrapped in my striving is a part of me that is rejecting ordinariness. As though if I capitulate to it, then I am losing myself. Giving up on my dreams. Accepting mediocrity. Settling.

Perfecting ordinariness isn’t about being mundane or losing your spirit. It’s about romancing the every day. Drinking tea out of beautiful french cups. Putting flowers on your desk. Decorating the dinner table. Showering with gardenia fragranced soap. Lighting candles. The smell of oriental lilies wafting through the house. Swimming in the ocean. Relaxing more. In fact it’s about injecting more of your personality and spirit into your life. Just because it’s ordinary doesn’t mean it can’t be luxurious.

But, how do I perfect ordinariness whilst still honouring my dreams? How do I live in the moment whilst also progressing towards what I want?  It’s letting go of the striving that has you beat yourself with a stick to work more, to get better, to get more and to be more. It’s letting your heart guide you and moving more gracefully towards your dreams. Enjoying what you do. Honouring every day along the way.

How are you going to romance the every day in 2012?

Image Credit: 1 2

First Published in The Modern Woman’s Survival Guide on November 27, 2010.

By Gaynor Alder

Mothers everywhere, please let it be known – I’m in awe of you. Do tell me, how do you do it? I’ve been working full time this week and my niece is over from Perth with my parents – and I wonder to myself, how the feck does any woman do this motherhood malarkey with any amount of aplomb or grace?

I must confess. I used to judge those mothers at shopping centres, pushing their trolleys wearing tracksuit pants and sporting disheveled hair that looked like it was in good need of some frizz serum. Now I think they deserve a medal for just managing to have enough energy to be even pushing a trolley.

Like right now. I’m typing this with my niece wriggling around on my lap. We’ve spent the day shopping, and I’ve come to understand that shopping and children are mutually exclusive – to the point I abandoned a Country Road outlet with already discounted prices at 50% off.

I’m exhausted (hence why you’ve heard hide nor hair from me this week). Yet, when my seven year old niece turns to me and says, “aunty Gaynor, you’re the best aunty a kid could ever want, because you do art activities with me, buy me things and love me nice”, I get it. No matter how tired you are, this is the reason you do it all. Day after day. Week after week. Year after year.

You women who do this all the time, seriously, you deserve some kind of award. From what I can gather you seem to constantly run on empty, whilst working, running a home, spending quality time with your children and then trying to look after yourself. I get the tracksuit pants. I get the frizzy hair. I promise never to judge again.

As much as I love my niece (and let it be known she is the love of my live, my very reason for being) I don’t have the maternal urge. People constantly tell me that I’ll change my mind, because I’m so good with children and I’ll make a wonderful mother, but I just don’t feel it, nor do I think I’d be any chop at it.

I am at peace with that decision, even if my Dad isn’t, who I know desperately wants me to have children, and keeps telling me that I’ll end up lonely and regretful if I don’t. But I accept my limitations and I can’t live my life to make someone else happy.

Yes, I love being an aunty, but I just can’t see me being a full time mother, and that is okay. Actually it’s more than okay, because as Liz Gilbert writes in her second book Committed, being an aunty is a very special role, not only in a child’s life, but also for the mother when the aunty is able to step in and contribute something to a child’s life that a tired and exhausted mother may not always be able to.

Please don’t get me wrong. I don’t want to paint a picture of motherhood as one of complete sacrifice and recipe for fatigue, because I know some mothers who seem to take to it like ducks to water, and absolutely relish in it. But, I don’t believe I am that woman. Well, definitely not now, and at 34 years, I can’t see that changing in the foreseeable future. Then again, I could do a Nicole Kidman at 39 and change my mind, but a nanny and a cleaner sure wouldn’t go astray.

But, you mothers who are bringing up children, I think you need more praise. You need to be recognised more. Not just with breakfast in bed on Mother’s Day, but every day. Because you freaking amazing women day in and day out, who do what many may consider the normal every day acts of life, in my book are heroes. Let it be known, that I’m in awe of you.

In my mid 20s, I learnt the art of boundaries. Just because I was a generous of heart and all round nice girl, that didn’t mean that I had to like everyone, nor take on their problems. By the time I was 28, I had a strict VIP entry only policy. Sure there were plenty of nice people out there, but you had to be special, really special, for me to extend the full extent of friendship to you. I learnt not to feel bad about it, because being somewhat selfish was a good thing, contrary to what we are told.

However, after one bad relationship where I was stripped of my self esteem, and a few questionable friendships where I witnessed the extreme end of selfishness, I became all Mother Theresa taking on everyone’s problems and dispensing advice without being discerning enough as to whether there was a proper foundation of friendship.

This led to me being done over a few times and being sucked up in the vortex of other people’s neediness. Yes, you’re a really nice person, but I’m sorry, I can’t fix ALL your problems for you. You need to do that for YOURSELF, especially when your problems are the complete topic of conversation. There needs to be more to friendship than just problems.

So, of late, I have been thinking about bringing back the part of me that isn’t always nice. Please, do let me explain. By nature, I am a giving, caring, good person. However, sometimes people don’t respect nice. They walk all over you. Trample you. Ignore you. Drain you. This by no means, means that I am going to start being a bitch. It just means that people will start to see the other side of me again.

The side that takes no crap. The side that knows someone being “nice” doesn’t necessarily constitute a friendship. The side that draws a line in the sand and says, I’m sorry, but I’m not going to offer you advice unless you are one of my close friends. The side that says you’re not going to be part of my life unless I want you to be.

Too many women end up exhausted and depleted, because they are spreading themselves too thin. Spreading themselves too thin helping people who should be helping themselves. Spreading themselves too thin by being too nice to everyone. Spreading themselves too thin by saying yes too often. It’s never easy turning someone away or saying no, however, when you start to focus what you want from life, really want from life, it becomes very apparent what is holding you back and needs to go.

It’s VIP entry onto my red carpet. Even then, you can’t expect to go straight to the velvet lounges of VIP – we need to have a few drinks in the downstairs bar to get to know each other first, and please, a few gin and tonics doesn’t necessarily mean we are BFFs. Yes, I genuinely feel bad when I can’t always pursue a friendship, but it’s not where I make my decision from. Because I can’t – otherwise I would be living my life from what people wanted from me, instead of what I wanted from life.

Just because I am a nice person, don’t think that I am going to let you behind the red rope straight away. Don’t think you can fuck me around. Don’t think that you can dump all your problems on me. Don’t think you can take me for granted. Because you can’t. There is a bouncer at the end of my red carpet, and I have no qualms in raising my hand in the air and pointing at you if you have not respected me, you have been too pushy or have drained me.

I need to remind people of that, because like I said before, sometimes I’m too nice.

Image source

By Gaynor Alder

We interrupt our holiday popular posts transmission to bring you this brand spanking new article. You didn’t think I’d really be able to restrain myself from the keyboard for a whole week now did you? Inspired by yesterday’s How to Overcome Power Trippers in the Workplace, I felt compelled to put down my margarita and fake tan to write this article.

Not all workplaces are created equal. Here are five reasons you should quit your job and hit Seek quicker than Kim Kardashian leaving a marriage.

Office Politics

There’s nothing more frustrating than trying to do your job and having to deal with other people’s bullshit. Some people simply have nothing better to do than to be difficult, gossip, meddle and create negativity. They thrive on it, gathering troops to make everyone’s life around them miserable, because deep down they are just plain nasty and insecure.

One of my personal favourites, are the ones who feel threatened because you can do what they can’t and it makes them feel inferior, thus they martyr themselves and constantly make niggling passive aggressive comments (because martyrs aren’t a fan of being honest and upfront you see).

Beware, these types of people are damaging, as they do all they can to make you feel bad about being good at your job (consciously or subconciously) and put a full stop on any kind of progress so that things can stay the same and they can stay in their comfort zone. Attempting to nurture their insecurity with kindness, empathy and understanding to make them feel valued for who they are, can often turn out to be an exhausting waste of time when they continue regardless.

The only way to stop office politics is to address it head on. Now this can go two ways depending on the strength of your management. Some will take it on board and get it immediately, because they respect your professionalism and understand your commitment to your work.

However, weak management will brush it under the carpet and often point the finger back at you because they don’t know how to deal with it or don’t want to deal with it, and somehow it becomes your fault. Thus the perpetrator of the politics becomes the victim and is empowered to continue. A complete head fuck and a grave miscarriage of justice.

Your Worth is Not Valued

I don’t need to be constantly reassured, nor do I expect a row of can can dancers in my office every time I do a good job, but sometimes all it takes is two simple words – thank you. And I do expect to be paid properly for what I contribute to a company. It’s not that fucking complicated.

However, at the end of the day, some managers just don’t get it. And it’s a mighty tough pill to swallow when they reward other people who sit around flat out doing fuck all.

The task before you here is to hold your head high, know in your heart who you are and what you have to offer and move on to somewhere that does get it, because banging your head against their office door until it bleeds trying to make them understand is futile.

Like the dodgy boyfriend who didn’t appreciate you, they all soon learn the hard way once you’ve left.

Your Boss is a Bully

Just because someone pays your wages at the end of the week, it does not give them the right to treat you badly. Nobody has the right to raise their voice at you, compromise you or intimidate you. The repercussions of staying in an abusive work relationship can be just as damaging to your self worth as a bad personal relationship.

Bullies come in all shapes or sizes. Some will directly verbally abuse you, some will undermine your confidence and some will make you tip toe on egg shells around them. Sure they are paying you to do a job, but that doesn’t mean you have to nurse their shortcomings. They have a responsibility to communicate effectively and treat you right in exchange for the services that you provide. This is a two way street.

You’re Doing the Work of 4 People

“Ummm, we’re going through some cost cuttings at the moment so we’ve retrenched some staff, and unfortunately we need to cut your hours too. But, oh, by the way, you’re now expected to do your job with less pay and less hours, and also pick up the slack from the other people we just sacked. And, oh, if things don’t get done like they used to, we’ll still point the finger at you.”

WTF?!? No, I don’t think so sunshine.

But I Wanted to be a Ballerina

So many of us unwittingly forge our careers out of what our parents and society expect of us only to sink into the quarter life crisis, trying to reconcile why when we have ticked all the boxes we are so miserably unhappy and spend most of our working days wanting to run screaming to board the next plane overseas.

When you’re bored beyond belief with your job, and the people around you make you want to call OOO to perform emergency CPR on your soul, then it’s time to get back in touch with what you really want to do, regardless of others expectations.

This is no easy feat. In fact, standing on your own ground and forging out a life that means something to you independent of what everyone else says is right, will prove to be your greatest challenge in your 20s.

Give yourself the freedom to to take risks and explore who you are. With that will come perceived failure, as you move from one venture to another. But I beg of you, please know this. It takes greater courage and strength to step outside the perceived linear expectation of “success”, than those around you robotically following the formula others have laid down for them.

Sometimes we can only know who we are, by who are not. “Failure” is just a stepping stone for us to build upon to reach our greatest heights. Without the courage of exploration in the face of societal judgment, we will never really find out who we really are and be able to live a truly fulfilling life.

Watch this space in January, when MWSG will guide you through the highs and lows of job hunting, including expert advice from the recruitment industry.

First Published on The Modern Woman’s Survival Guide on 2nd June 2011

We’ve all worked with people who get an erection whilst wielding their over inflated sense of self importance over others, just because they have a title. Otherwise referred to as a wanker.

They regularly like to let you know that you are their subordinate (directly or indirectly), just in case you forget that you are beneath them in the corporate food chain. Even if your job title doesn’t happen to fall below them in the organisational chart, they manipulate others in higher positions (otherwise known as wrapping equally retarded senior management around their little fingers) so that they can make other people’s lives a misery.

Me? I’ve experienced my fair share. Retail in particular seemed to be a breeding ground for mediocre women lacking in substance, carrying around their clip boards and reprimanding their employees for coming back five minutes late from their break or enforcing complete silence during a stock take. The glint in their eye that they were enjoying exercising their power over you did not go undetected.

When the General Manager for the state cut me off in a conversation to speak to someone else “more important” I quickly handed in my resignation. General manager or no general manager, she wasn’t going to treat me like I was nobody. I later heard through the ex employee grapevine that she was sacked by the company after numerous complaints for how she treated her staff.

My “small penis of the year award” for 2009 went to the guy in charge of the stationery cupboard at David Jones, who despite having the key in his pocket and standing in front of said cupboard, refused to give me a pen because he only opened the cupboard between 9 and 11 am. What one was meant to do when their shift started at 12pm was beyond me, but pushing the issue only served to heighten his satisfaction over being able to hinder my ability to get what I needed. Little, little man.

Although “Fabio” did have very curly long hair and I think he fancied himself as a bit of a ladies’ man. It may have worked for him in the 80s (coupled with a double denim stonewash ensemble, or so I am imagining … actually, eeek, I think I’d rather not), but his locks only made him even more tragic in my eyes.

Another manager enjoyed asking me for files and snapping her fingers to ask where they were not a minute later. I can still hear her ugly shrill descending down the office corridor as she demanded, “GayyyyNNNOR, where is that file?” Listen lady, you may think you’re the Queen of Sheba sitting there in your big chair and fancy office (which quite frankly I find hideous in the extreme with its gaudy decor and framed glamour shot of yourself, but hey whatever works for you), but I’ve only been here a day, so how about pointing me in the direction of your filing cabinet?

The thing is this. You’re never going to make me feel small by withholding a pen from me. You’re not going to affect my confidence in my abilities by placing unrealistic demands on me. You’re not going to belittle me by sending me bullshit emails, and you’re sure as hell not going to impress me just because you’re carrying a clipboard. In fact, your hideous displays are a source of entertainment that make me laugh at you on the inside.

Do not continue to work for people who do not respect you and get their self worth by stealing yours. Kick these kinds of people to the kerb, and step over them in your Christian Louboutins with complete disregard and disgust as you would a drunken bogan spewing up in the middle of the footpath. Protect yourself from these vampires, just as you would your new designer shoes whilst stepping over said bogan.

Arm yourself with the knowledge that what you’re dealing with are very weak, small, tiny, sad, little specimens. For empowered people with style, substance and self belief, have no need to power trip over others to make themselves feel important. Do not let them steal your confidence, self worth or time and energy. Rise high above them, for you my friend are the stronger, more fabulous, better, much much better person.

By Laura Valerie

Dear modern women who, presumably, would like a little help surviving this crazy world of ours,

*The true author is Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr. The full quote, in The Autocrat of the Breakfast Table, reads:

By Gaynor Alder

As little girls in school, being taunted with “she loves herself” was a stigma more feared than being picked last for a sport’s team (ahem, sport was never my strong suit). We were taught to be good little girls, to never brag, to hide our intelligence from the rest of the class for fear of being a “nerd”, and it was ever so good to put others before ourselves. “Gaynor is always a kind and considerate class member who puts others needs before her own. A+”

But womankind has come a long way in the self-care movement. We know that giving is a great joy, but unless we take care of ourselves, then we can’t possibly take care of others. However, when we do carve out time for ourselves, do we really enjoy it, or we are still hijacked by a hefty side serving of guilt and lashings of oh-my-god-shouldn’t-I-be-flying-to-a-third-world-country-and-devoting-my-time-to-feeding-the-poor?

Let’s take a look at ‘Eat Pray Love’ by Elizabeth Gilbert for example. Whilst I devoured it like a Sarah Lee sticky date pudding straight from the foil in one sitting with a knife and fork, others expressed their ardent dislike. Hate even. The majority of these comments centred around her being self-indulgent.

For me, Liz was simply responding to a call from her soul to find herself after a relationship where she had lost her sense of self – and haven’t we all needed to perform CPR on ourselves after a relationship has sucked us dry? I think she gave herself a precious gift that has allowed her to now life an authentic, happy and fulfilling life. Snaps to her I say.

Sure, we can’t all take off for a year and travel to far flung exotic locations to find ourselves, but this isn’t about ‘Eat Pray Love’, or whether you liked it or not. This is about you. It’s about giving yourself permission to lavish yourself with the love that you deserve – just like you do on everyone else.

Whether it’s an hour, a day, weeks, months or even years, there are times when we need to put ourselves first. Rejuvenate. Recover. Rebuild. It’s not about ego. It’s not about being shallow. It’s not about being self-absorbed. It’s about giving ourselves permission to celebrate, honour and nurture ourselves. A healthy dose of it’s all about me.

For me, I devote every Wednesday to myself and switch off from the world. Turn off my phone. Have a pedicure and manicure. Get my hair blow dried at the hairdresser. Stay in my pyjamas if I want to. Watch DVDs. Do some yoga. Do whatever I bloody well fancy.

Because if I don’t, I lose my centre, and my mind as Judith Lucy so eloquently put it recently, becomes a cross between “a fly blown chop and question time at Parliament House.” It also helps me to maintain my boundaries, because as a naturally giving person, I can wind up exhausted and depleted and needing to build a veritable Great Wall of China around myself.

We can’t always be good little girls who say yes all of the time, when we really want to say no. We need to make more time for ourselves to nurture our hopes and dreams. We need to give ourselves the time to care for our mind, body and soul. And in this harried world with its endless demands and responsibilities, we need to push pause on life so that we can just breathe and be.

Because it really does need to be all about you sometimes, and god damn it, why shouldn’t it be? How do you put yourself first when you need to?

Image Credits: 1, 2, 3

Coco Chanel said fashion fades but style is eternal, and I think it’s safe to say that she would have considered manners the height of style. Not the pretend kind of style that uses social status or designer labels to project a certain image, but the real kind that emanates from within and radiates beauty, elegance and class. Don’t get me wrong, I adore a good designer frock, actually, no scratch that, make that, love a good designer frock, but clothing is never a substitute for substance.

I met a lot of people during Melbourne Spring Fashion Week, and was lucky enough to have some great conversations with inspiring, interesting and lovely people. Monsieur Richard Lambert, the global ambassador for Cointreau was a particular highlight – polite, charming and genuine. Oui, oui. But some people forgot to pack their manners in their handbags and it left such a bad taste in my mouth, that no amount of fancy cocktails could disguise it.

You see, I don’t do bullshit, and I certainly don’t appreciate being discarded like last season’s fashion, just because someone more “important” comes along, and all of a sudden I become a nobody. And, oh, whilst we’re on the subject of somebodies and nobodies – I’m sure as hell not interested in being considered a somebody by people like that. I’m not saying I want to be your new best friend (I have my own), but I do expect you to display manners 101 at the very least.

I’m not interested in talking with people because of their status, who they know and how important other people consider them to be. I’m interested in talking with people because of who they are. If I have to be Gaynor from XYZ in order for you to want to talk with me, then, quite frankly, I’d rather be having root canal than entertain a false and shallow conversation with you. And I’d rather you didn’t waste my time in the first instance, because I could do without all the pretend before you proceed to offend and disrespect me.

Tonight was the complete opposite. A fabulous dinner party with a beautifully set table adorned with flowers and candles, divine food and great tunes. But they key ingredient was the people. Fabulous people. Genuine people. People who make me laugh. People I love. People worth spending my time with.

Remember, there will always be wankers and pretentious people whose bad manners and smug demeanours will make you want to do a small vomit in your mouth. The trick is to navigate your way around them whilst holding your head high, knowing who you are and what you stand for. Because pretentious people with bad manners certainly aren’t cool, nor do they have style or substance.

Bad manners will always be out of vogue in my book.

But something has happened to me this winter. My idea of a perfect weekend has been staying in my pyjamas as long as possible, playing scrabble, doing crosswords and watching Midsomer Murders, and lo and behold last weekend, I baked a batch of scones – and here’s the kicker. I enjoyed it. WTF?! Anyone seen my zimmer frame?

Needless to say, I find myself in the midst of an internal struggle, fighting my nanna tendencies tooth and nail. Truth be told I’m petrified that long after the sun starts shining, that my glamour will remain lost under a pile of crochet. “Hello, 000, I think I’ve lost my glamour”.

Will I ever get excited about putting in my velcro rollers, gluing on my false lashes, putting on a new dress and hitting town? Or have I lost my mojo for good? Is it just winter? Have I just changed? Have I just been plain worn out from a relentless schedule and needed a god damn break? Or is this just a phase I am going through? Upon reflection, I think it’s a combination of all these things.

Yes, maybe I am changing a little. But if so, why am I finding this so hard to accept? Because, if I delve a little deeper, I realise I am comparing myself to this notion that everyone else out there is living this fabulous social life that unless I also maintain, them I am somehow flawed. But is this notion even real? I think not. Just another stereotype and impossible standard we women like to beat up our self worth with (being the perfect weight and doing yoga everyday needed a bit of a break from being wrestled with by my psyche).

And good heaven’s above, Melbourne’s winter is enough to send anyone reaching for their dressing gown, slippers and raiding their DVD collection. And, yes, lordy lord, I’ve needed a good long rest from working harder than one of Tilly Devine’s girls in a 1920s Sydney brothel.

So, with spring about to bloom with summer in hot pursuit, I am sure to naturally discard my pyjamas and start to reemerge into the community at large, like the cherry blossoms and sweet jasmine that are gracing us yet again with their divine presence, reminding us of the natural ebbs and flows of the seasons. And for it is so with the natural seasons of our souls – we flourish and bloom, and then we prune back our lives, change and grow, and then flourish and bloom again.

So it’s time to stop giving myself such a hard time. Because no matter how many nights I may have in playing board games, there is one thing that will never change – my adoration of romancing life and bringing glamour to the every day. Flowers on the table. Napkins tied with silk ribbons. Dinner on pretty plates. Lanterns strung in the garden whilst entertaining guests. A bathroom filled with beauty products.

And soon the false eyelashes, curlers and lipstick are set to get a major workout during Melbourne Spring Fashion Week, and my heels will  be clicking on the cobblestones of the Melbourne laneways searching for a new hidden bar and restaurant quicker than you can fiddle with a tube of glue and false eyelashes whilst trying not to poke your eyes out with the tweezers.

But you can bet your bottom dollar, that I will still be nudging my BF some weekends when I need to embrace my inner nanna and take a break from the world, asking him to help me with number 34 down. “Darling, six letter word for female senior citizens who like to bake scones?”

After all, wasn’t it our nannas who looked after us, nurtured us and made us feel special when we needed it most? Baking us apple pie and making lamingtons from scratch as we happily played solitaire on their kitchen table for hours (and I can tell you I was never more content as a child than when I was with her). So, it’s time to embrace my inner nanna and welcome her with open arms, just like I would if my real one was still here with us today. Because I still need her, just like I did back then.

Do you have an inner nanna, and how do you embrace her?

Soon after, I scaled the dizzying heights of the recruitment ladder, becoming a bona fide recruitment consultant, ingesting coffee into my veins like a heroin addict, inhaling my lunch behind a computer screen so I could work through my “break” and eating more blueberry danishes from the downstairs cafe that I care to remember. After leaving the industry vowing never to return, I eventually dipped my toe back in the shark infested recruitment waters setting up shop as a resume writer for a number of years. So, yes, like I said. Bona fide.

In terms of resumes, I’ve seen it all. With clients breathing down my neck giving me deadlines of “we need this person like yesterday”, I’ve sifted through god knows how many piles of resumes in search of the right candidate. So, I’m about to give you some inside information on what makes a resume stand out when you hit send and apply for a job. Because I’m nice like that.

What you do with your resume, is equally as important as what you don’t do with your resume. With sometimes only 15 or so seconds to capture a potential employers’ interest, you don’t want to commit any resume felonies that will have you discarded quicker than a bride’s nightie.

DO tailor your resume to the job you are applying for. This not only counts for content, but also presentation. I can’t stress this enough.

DON’T include your date of birth. This is considered discrimination.

DO ascertain what your point of difference is. What is is that makes you stand out from other people? Lead your resume with a profile of 3 to 4 lines that communicates your expertise, your point of difference and supporting evidence from your career history, that makes the recruiter spit out their coffee and dial your number quicker than Carrie Bradshaw hotfooting it to a 75% off designer shoe sale. Yes, you want to have them at hello.

DON’T include your hobbies. No employer really cares that you do salsa dancing on the weekend. Seriously. The only exception is if your hobby somehow ties into the role you are applying for.

DO include a list of your key strengths under your education. Look at the job description and bullet point list your strengths in relation to the skills they are looking for. See how you are making a match between yourself and the job description. I wasn’t lying about tailoring your resume for every job now was I?

DON’T use the same generic terms that everyone else uses on their resume. These just make the prospective employers’ eyes glaze over in boredom and lose interest. You want to capture their attention and hold it, like a can’t put down, I think I’ll even skip my shower tonight, page turning romance novel. I’m talking statements like “good communication skills”, “ability to work independently or as part of a team”…. if only I had a dollar …

DO use succinct statements that lead with a verb or action word – i.e. performed, demonstrated, achieved, increased, improved etc.

DON’T use the first half of your cover page to list your personal details. Think of your front page as prime real estate, and as such it needs to hook the reader in and encourage them to turn the page, otherwise they’ll just move onto the next resume. List your personal details obviously, but just don’t take half a page to do it.

DO bullet point your career history. List the company name, position and dates and then a bullet point list of what you did in each job. (Depending on the role you are applying for, include a paragraph about the company above your bullet points.) Readers will get lost in paragraphs of wording and you want to ensure that the information is easily absorbed. You don’t need to use full sentences, rather clear and concise statements. Recruiters will often be looking for specific experience that matches the job description, and they don’t want to have to read through paragraphs to ascertain the information.  They’re not lazy, they’re just often time poor – hence the eating lunch at the desk whilst answering phones and filling jobs.

DON’T use “I” in a resume. Never. Ever.

DO mention your achievements on the first page of your resume. Go on, blow your own trumpet. This is no time to be shy. Remember how I was waxing lyrical about the first page of your resume being prime real estate? Accordingly, why nestle your achievements in the other pages of your resume? You want to immediately communicate the benefit to an organisation of them hiring you. Quantify your achievements with bottom line results where possible. i.e. “implemented a stationery cost savings initiative that reduced company expenditure by $10,000 annually … you get the picture.

DON’T list your high school education unless you are a recent graduate.

DO only go back over the past 15 – 20 years maximum. You can summarise the rest of your history in a paragraph. Oh, and please don’t list that you worked at McDonalds when you were 16 when you are 30. Just becaused you worked somewhere, doesn’t mean you have to put it on your resume.

DON’T use superfluous words. i.e. you don’t need to write “RESUME” at the top, as it’s obvious it’s your resume. Equally, you don’t need to write “duties” above your bullet point list of tasks in each job. Yes, again, it’s obvious. The less unnecessary words, the more impact the important information will have.

DO position your completed tasks within each job not only with what you did but along with the results. Results don’t always have to be financial, they can be improved efficiency, maximising productivity etc.

DON’T put a picture of yourself on your resume. Again, this is discrimination. I don’t care if you look like a Victoria’s Secret supermodel, I’m only interested in whether you can do the job. I would hazard a guess and say that 95% of recruitment consultants will turn their nose up at a photo on a resume.

Resume length will vary in different countries. In the U.S. or U.K. many favour a 1 to 2 page resume, whereas in Australia they can be from 1 to 3  pages (up to 5 pages for senior management if required) - however one thing remains the same. Clear and concise resumes that successfully meet the job description are the way forward.

Leave a comment below if you would like me to answer a question in relation to resume writing.

We’ve all stared down the barrel of making a decision that requires us to take a leap of faith. A decision that requires us to trust what we feel inside versus practical evidence. Because when it comes to taking a risk for what matters the most to us, it means we have to be strong in the face of practicalities’ chitter chatter.

The chitter chatter that tells us we’re throwing away a responsible well paid job. The chitter chatter that wrestles with our minds and plagues our self worth as we say no to doing what society expects of us.

But the thing is this. Your self worth is not derived from the job that you do, the money that you earn, and nor does it matter what anyone else thinks of your decisions. Because the only person you have to answer to is yourself, and anyone who isn’t going to wholeheartedly support you in chasing what means the most to you, can quite frankly, fuck off. Yes, there I did it. I swore on my blog – and rightfully bloody so.

For what is the point of living, if it’s not to live – and surely living means doing the things that make us happy? Doing things that fill us with joy. Doing things that have us get out of bed every day filled with a sense of purpose. For the record, let it be known, that I’m not someone who merely philosphises and preaches without the courage to back up what I’m saying.

Because, I too have chosen to say no to being a slave to a relentless schedule that slowly, yet ever so surely grinds my dreams away, and in doing so, I have cut back my day job to 3 days per week in the name of becoming a financially self sustained writer.

I realised that unless I take a leap of faith and make more time for my writing, I will never realise my dream. Cutting back my hours means that I will have to sacrifice certain things for a period of time, but these are sacrifices that I am willing to make – because I can see the big picture, and that picture is painted with all the colours of the rainbow. I’m not sacrificing myself so that I can retire comfortably in 25 years, I’m sacrificing a few little things from my budget each week so that I can live an authentic life, now and in the future. A happy life that means something to me inside.

It also means that I have to place trust and a whole load of self belief in my writing. Yikes! It’s scary as hell, but at the end of the day I have nothing to lose, because I can always go back to the corporate world.

In the interim I’m choosing to trust the voice inside of me that says, “Gaynor, you need more time to write”. “Gaynor you need to temporarily live on less money.” “Gaynor you need to grab the opportunities that lay before with both hands and take them as far as you possibly can.”

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not adverse to a fat pay check at the end of every week. Au contraire. I love money. I love being comfortable and enjoying the pleasures that money brings. But, when push comes to shove, shove will win. Because, I will not whore myself out to live a part time life. The part time life that comes from working in a job that isn’t what I really want to do, just so I can live on the weekends. Because I believe we can all earn money from doing what we love, and in turn live a life we love – all of the time.

When many women look in the mirror, far from fairest of them all, they see too much of this and not enough of that, and lo and behold, if that isn’t enough, they start putting themselves down in comparison to others. Nasty and to be avoided at all costs – just like someone mouthing the c word, (no, I’m not a fan).

We’ve all been guilty of comparing ourselves to others, weighing our success, happiness, talents, looks and whatever else against the appearance of someone else we think has what we want and don’t have in ourselves. It’s as pointless as a dieter stepping on the scales several times a day and a treacherous recipe for low self esteem.

So why do women do this? Why do women continue to compare themselves to others, denying their own beauty in the process? Why do they continue to compare themselves against others who may on the surface have what they want, but perhaps may not have half the substance or happiness they have? Silly isn’t it?

The more you focus on yourself and give yourself permission to cultivate your self esteem, the less you’ll fall prey to comparison. For, when you are happy and learn to celebrate yourself in all your fabulous glory, the more you can stand side by side other women, content in yourself, knowing that you all have something special to offer and thus celebrate them too. Because it isn’t a competition ladies – and it isn’t about being perfect.

A big part of this is recognising that you can never be everything. You can never be perfect, and let it be known womankind that perfection is the complete anthesis of self esteeem. Stop trying to be perfect – yes, right this very minute. Because the beautiful irony is that perfection lies in the imperfection, and it’s all those things that you deem as imperfections and wrestle within yourself about, that combine to make your quirks and individuality, and I bet they are the things that people love most about you.

Stop trying to be everything to everyone. And for god’s sake, stop comparing yourself to everyone else. It’s as bloody futile as an aging supermodel trying to say no to botox. Next time you find yourself comparing yourself to someone else, stop and start celebrating who you are. Recognise your individual beauty and what you have to offer the world. You have so many qualities that other people don’t, especially the women you are putting up on a pedestal, and it’s time you start putting youself up on that pedestal.

Image Credits: 1

As you may know, I am what you call an all or nothing person, and as such I don’t naturally gravitate towards the middle ground. This means May could well throw a few challenges my way. However, with help from Jo Bassett from Living Savvy, I am continuing to make small sustainable changes until they becoming lasting lifestyle habits.

After cementing habits in April for self nurturing, Wednesdays will continue to be wholly and solely “all about me” with a weekly blow dry, manicure, pedicure and doing whatever I god damn well please without worrying about anybody else. In May, I am committing to my weekly “AFD” (alcohol free day) and pledging to take up yoga, drink water on a daily basis and take my vitamins. I will continue to do these until they become part of my lifestyle, and Jo will be on hand to help guide me through any precarious moments that have me reach for the bottle. Downward dog anyone?

As I start to clean up my act on the health front, other parts of my life are putting up their hand to have their draws cleaned out too. Combine this with hormones that often seek refuge in going on a cleaning rampage, I find myself decluttering my life of all the things that are, how shall we say, okay, let me just be frank – giving me the shits.

From shoes with broken heels that have been sitting in my wardrobe for months, to things on my to do list that have been taunting me with their tardiness, and ill fitting clothes that leave me uncomfortable (ahem, they must have shrunk in the wash) nothing is safe. If it’s annoying me or preventing me from approaching my days with ease, then it’s being scrutinised like a princess about to walk down the aisle and thrown out like a guest wearing white at a royal wedding.

The more I repair, throw out and complete, the more I feel the energy around me shift, thus creating harmony and space for new things to enter my life (hello Penguin Publishers, my people will talk with your people).

Image Credits: 1

By Gaynor Alder

What are the ten commandments that you live your life by? If you don’t have your ten commandments, then I suggest you create them – stat. Here are mine.

i) Thou can’t live without a weekly blowdry at the hair dressers. Or manicure. Or pedicure. Nor should one feel guilty about indulging in such activities. Yes, never underestimate the power of good hair to one’s psyche.

ii) Thou shall not spread thyself too thin and shall also put thyself first when thy need to. Failure to adhere to this, shall result in burn out and stress. Nasty and to be avoided at all costs.

iii) Thou does not do mornings. Full stop. Nor shall thou deem thyself lazy for failing to rise at such ungodly hours, when one is more than willing to work at hours more conducive to one’s well being and productivity.

iv) Thou shall not cook. Chopping, peeling, boiling and baking may be foreign to one’s vocabulary, but one is in possession of other talents. Cooking shall be relegated to David Jones’ Foodhall, restaurants and men who enjoy providing culinary nourishment to the woman in their life.

v) Thou shall not let sub standard people into their life. Ever. This refers to friends, partners and working relationships, or even family if they are toxic to your life.

vi) Thou shall under no circumstances ever compromise on what is important to thyself.

vii) Thou shall not work 9 to 5 if one is a free spirit. Attempts to do so, will only destroy one’s soul.

viii) Thou shall say no to commitments that they can’t or don’t want to commit to. Anyone who does not have your best interests at heart and throws a ‘tanty’ when thy says no, is not worthy of being in your life anyway, so let them go with peace in your heart.

ix) Thou shall look after their health. One will not realise how much it means to thyself until they lose it.

x) Thou shall surround themselves with beauty, and people who love, respect and support them.

Share with us – what are your ten commandments?

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As part of this coaching, Jo has asked me to participate in ‘Monday Bites’ on Living Savvy, where Jo says “each Monday I share three simple ideas I have to fine-tune my own ordinary to live extraordinary this week, and I hope you will share yours!”

Since writing my letter from my future self in one year’s time, I am focused on what I want to achieve this year. Now to break it down, I will be participating in Monday bites, to make small achievable steps in my weekly life to achieve these goals.

So here are my Monday Bites for this week:

1. I am cutting down my drinking to 3 glasses of wine on a week night. Some may wonder if what I was drinking before was destination AA, but no, like many other women, I had got into a habit of drinking to wind down after a day’s work and cope with life’s stresses. However, since I have realised that I no longer need to do this, I have committed to reducing my intake in small steps, whilst still allowing myself to enjoy a crisp cool glass (or two, or three Miss Jane, Miss Jane) on the weekends.

2. I am going to start taking fish oil again on a daily basis. Holy hell, have you seen how fabulous your hair and nails are when you take it?!

3. I am booking into have my hair blow dried this Friday. This is going to be an ongoing part of my life, whereby I exercise the extravagant aspect of my nature, and hell, we all know how much I believe in the quality of our hair dictating the quality of our lives. Yes, yes, I could use the GHD myself, but, ahem, I am bit lazy like that, and love the whole experience of going to the salon.

I also suggest that you click here to view Jo Bassett’s recent appearance on The Circle on channel ten, where she discusses why women find it so hard to ask for help.

Question Time: What 3 things can you do this week to help you fine tune your life to live the extraordinary. Hop over to Living Savvy to leave your comments on ‘Monday Bites’.

I harbour such contempt for cooking, that in the unseemly event that I have to prepare a meal, it must take under 10 minutes and involve no more than 5 dishes, including the knife and fork. Perhaps it has something to do with my inability to grasp the fundamentals such as boiling water? Attempts to do so, invariably result in a pot burned to its destruction.

I place the pot of water on the stove with good intentions, but whilst I’m waiting for the water to boil I take full advantage of the adage that a watched pot never boils and engage in far more exciting activities such as painting my nails. Maybe it’s the fumes from the nail polish, but the act of returning to the pot erases itself from my memory.

When I have to put on a pair of gloves and clean, I also put on my heels to counteract the damage of being a 1950s housewife to my psyche.  Warning, tiles may be slippery.  I won’t wash dishes in the sink, as despite obvious damage to my manicure, this is why dishwashers were invented (the thought of running out of dishwashing powder doesn’t warrant thinking about).

I refuse to get my hands dirty, and as such I have no business with a rake. I hate handwashing, opting instead for crossing my fingers with the delicate cycle on my machine. I operate the dryer all through summer rather than pegging clothes on the line (forgive me for the carbon trail, but I justify this gross inconsideration for the environment with the fact that I don’t drive).  I detest chopping and peeling vegetables so much that I  will pay exorbitant amounts of money for ones that have been already cut for me in gourmet supermarkets. Needless to say, when I discovered online grocery shopping, it changed my life in ways in which words can’t describe.

Despite my disdain for the drudgery of domesticity, I must confess, I have a penchant for spring cleaning. I’m not a believer in feng shui per say (you certainly won’t find me hanging wooden flutes in my romance corner) but I swear I can feel the energy shift as I throw out old things.  I’m told it not only ushers in fresh energy, but  also creates the space for new things to enter your life. Like a woman possessed, I sort through clothes, letters from ex lovers and old bills as though the more I throw out, the closer I am to a Chanel handbag miraculously entering my life.

I inevitably end up with a pile of overdue library books that need returning.  I may be an organised person, yet returning library books has never been a strong point, and as such, I’m banned from every library in the country. Library staff are an entire different strain of the human species – all anal retention, stern looks, sandal worshipping and beige cardigans. Their calling in life is to protect the dewey decimal system whilst enforcing complete silence.  They seem to have special powers, somehow reverting adults to school children, and I end up tip toeing around the library, terrified that I’m going to be sent to the Principal’s office for being a naughty girl.

I’m equally as bad at returning DVDs. I have twenty cards from video stores all over the country, 19 of which I’m unable to use.  I fear that as soon as I step foot on the premises, security will surround me in manner of tactical response group, “Gaynor Alder, put your hands in the air where we can see them and move away from the counter, move away from the counter.  You’re under arrest for the failure to return Dirty Dancing in 1989”.

“I suggest that you write a letter to your future self or create the dream board for your future self, imagining that you are in February 2012 and looking back and describing how you did it by answering what you have have noticed, what would be achieved, what would be different? What would you have stopped doing or be doing more of?”

So here goes:

Bonjour,

Snaps to you darling. What an amazing year you’ve had. Not only do you have a book deal in your hot little hands, you’re now working from home as a Writer and earning a fabulous living from it. Bet you didn’t think you’d get here did you?

Your alarm clock is a thing of the past – no more dragging yourself out of bed before your body is ready to and struggling to find the energy to get through the day. No sirree.

I must say, I do love your apartment – yes it’s the one you’ve always dreamed of. Your French damask mirror looks ever so gorgeous, as do all the black and white framed images of Paris and old Hollywood film stars, oh and look at all that brand spanking new furniture.

Good hair days are eternally yours, thanks to the weekly blow dries from your hairdresser (and I don’t need to tell you how the quality of your hair dictates the quality of your life). You even have the time to paint your nails every week (all that chipped polish wasn’t very becoming darling).

I’m glad you finally starting doing pilates again – it’s been ever so good to help calm and centre your mind and body. I know you’re really dying to know if you can fit back into your skinny jeans. Round of applause, yes since you worked through your fears of a relationship, your need to drink most nights of the week slipped away, as did the kilos.

Now that you’re no longer working a day job, you have more time for your friends. Please stop fretting that you’re not staying in touch with them enough at the moment. The fact you worry so much, shows how much you care, and they know how much you love them. Be kinder to yourself please.

I know what you’re thinking (after all, you could say we know each other quite well), gee this all sounds so swell, but how on earth did I do it?

You started saying no more. You maintained your boundaries at work, so that it didn’t take over your head space in your spare time. You took holidays when you needed them. You stopped worrying so much about everyone else, and started looking after yourself better. You started carving out time for yourself – albeit it may have only been an hour here and and there, but these small moments of time combined to make a big difference in your life. These things helped you to remain centred in yourself so that you could maintain your mojo in 2011, because, yes, I won’t lie to you it is a busy and full year.

However, it will be a rewarding year. A year that you will look back on in triumph, proud of everything you have achieved, not just materialistically, but within yourself. A year that rather than let it run you, you grabbed hold of and took what you wanted from it in order to get where you are now. A year that despite your schedule, you retained your sense of self and fulfilled your dream of a living a lifestyle that is conducive with who you really are.

You also have so many beautiful people in your life, who are shaking their pom poms for you – people who’ve got your back, who will look after you and who love you. They will be your greatest strength.

Be kind to yourself.

Be gentle to yourself.

Look after yourself.

Don’t stop believing in yourself.

Now go lay down and have a rest – you need it.

Love me x

Image credits: 1, 2

Behind the scenes of me being a Writer here on this blog, Travel Editor for an online magazine, soon to be Columnist for a new online magazine and an aspiring Author working on a book pitch, I am also a Quality Assurance Manager. A job that requires me to wear a suit and manage a huge workload. But please don’t go spreading around that I am a corporate girl by day, as it will be bad for my cred.

Don’t get me wrong, despite the fact that I carry a huge level of responsibility with my day job, I do love it and the people I work with and I’m good at it. But, it’s not who I really am, and I only do it so that I can finance my life whilst I pave my way to literary super stardom and one day be a full time Writer.

But, the energy it requires from me, often doesn’t leave me the creative energy I need to forward my writing career. Then there’s the relentless schedule that working a day job and doing other jobs on the side requires in order for me to get everything I need to do done. Although my washing basket would protest, and if you were to have a candid heart to heart with it, it would tell you that it gets paid far less attention than it should.

But when push comes to shove, and I have to choose between work, writing and my social life, engaging with the spin cycle on the machine is low on the list of my priorities, often meaning I buy new pairs of knickers at Safeways to get me through the week.

However the real issue here is the day to day unrest that I feel – the debate my heart wages with my mind as I justify to myself why I have returned to the corporate world in order to be able to fund my life whilst pursuing the creative lifestyle my soul seeks.

For I am not a corporate girl. For I am not a schedule girl. For I am not a suit girl (even if the man in my life doth tell me I look mighty fine in it). For I am a free spirit. Always have been. Always will be. And my soul will never stop seeking a way to liberate itself from the life that society dictates we must live in order to survive, because it knows there is another way. A way where I can live doing what I love whilst being able to finance my life.

The alternative is simply not an option, and I will never stop until I make it a reality – even if that means that this year I work on top of a day job to make that happen. Even if it means that I wake up most mornings already exhausted. Even if it means that I feel like I am hurtling through life without enough time to tend to my hair and nails.

Because I will do it. I will become a Writer who can work my own hours. I will escape the corporate 9 to 5 (or in my case 10 to 6) life. I will liberate myself from everything society tells me I need to do in order to be successful, and stand on my own ground.

To all the other people out there who are in my same boat, I tell you this. Never. Give. Up.

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I don’t know about you, but my mojo has been missing in action (if you find it, can you please call me – a reward will be offered).

Decemeber was a marathon of drinking, and it left me starting January like I hadn’t had a break at all and fantacising about taking a month off in Bora Bora in my bikini. The years seemed to merge into one, instead of the usual punctuation of time with the beginning of a new year.

You see, I love January. Normally it’s a time where I reflect, regroup and recharge for the year ahead. I go on one of my must-throw-out-everything-old-mad-feng-shui-cleanses and relish in the new energy it ushers. Then there’s my new catch cry to carve out for the year – a motto or mantra if you will, that I leave the house with, coupled of course with ridiculously sexy underwear (ahem, the current state of my lingerie draw doth beg to differ, and needless to say a trip to Agent Provocateur is required, stat).

I dragged myself through the first few weeks of January, struggling to get my head around all that I have on my plate. I started the year snowed under, drowning and gasping for air. Horror of all horrors, my draws still contain old papers from 2010, which I’m sure are wreaking havoc with my romance corner (if you believe in all that feng shui malarkey – personally, reading all the rules of where I can and can’t put things sends me batty but still somehow seeps into my sub conscious invoking suspicion that if I do put a mirror at the end of my bed something bad will happen to me).

With the end of the month approaching, I am slowly yet surely starting to get into the swing of the year – as though I’ve been thrown a life raft after desperately treading water trying to keep my head above water for the past few weeks. But it’s all this talk of time which is just the problem – for, I am not a time keeper, and the schedule I’ve had to create in order to be in control of the colussal workload I have on my plate to reach my goals this year and maintain my job and stop anxiety in its tracks, is a complete affront to my free spiritied sensibilites.

I may not have given my cupboards a once over, nor do I have a concrete catch cry for the year, but I have sat down and had a good talking to my schedule. I can’t do it all on my own anymore. Not just in my work life, but in my personal life. Delegation and streamlining have featured highly, as has opening up and letting people help me more instead of carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. Because not only do I want to continue writing here on this blog, get a publishing deal for my book and continue to succeed with my day job, I want to spend more time with the people I love this year.

Last year I worked like a trojan until the early hours of the morning and during my weekends. But this year I refuse to do that, no siree. However, I can see now that the hard work has paid off and it has set a foundation for me to build upon. Something I can call my own – not bricks and mortar, but a labour of love built from dedication and steadfast determination. A writing career.

So, as I continue to slowly ease into 2011, I remind myself to stay focused on what’s important throughout this process of unpiling of what’s on top of me. And perhaps this is just where I need to be right now – sorting and sifting through tasks, thoughts and emotions. Perhaps I need to trust the process, and let 2011 reveal itself to me in its own good time. One thing I do know is that in so many ways it has already been a fabulous and beautiful year, and there is so much promise and goodness awaiting.

Image Credits: 1, 2

That’s not just because of who I am, but most importantly, it’s because I believe that it’s the candor that you, my readers really engage with and benefit from for yourselves – and there doesn’t seem to be a lot of that going around (realness that is).

But, there are things that I will never write about here, because I also think it’s important to keep certain parts of yourself sacred. It’s these parts of myself that I shared with two very special people at Christmas. The parts of myself that have been broken by people in the past, the parts of myself you’d need to know me for a long time or be very special to ply out of me.

Yes I felt vulnerable as it came pouring out of my heart, but I knew I was safe. I also knew that it was time for me to start talking about it again, because it needed to come out at that time, in order for me to put an end within myself to these things. Part of this also made me realise just how much I did go through, and that it’s really important for me to acknowledge that within myself – for I won’t find peace without doing so.

Because so often, we don’t acknowledge the difficulties we have overcome. We are told that there is always someone worse off than ourselves who has been through more than we have. Well, I am here to tell you that you must stop doing that. Right now. For, what I went through deserves acknowledgement, and so does whatever it is you have been through. But if you can’t do that for yourselves, well then, I am here to help you do that. Because we need to god damn it.

My story is one of extreme ill health for nearly a decade that debilitated me beyond belief, coupled with a relationship that brought me to my knees and nearly destroyed me. There is so much more to that story that I won’t share, but what is important about this, is that I realise right here and now, just how bad it all was.

Because part of who I am is to expect a lot from myself (0therwise known as being far too hard on oneself), and above all I must be able to always be stronger than anything that life throws at me. You could say I am a bit of a trooper in that respect. It is these very qualities that enabled me to get through what I did. I took my illness moment by moment and day by day, and grabbed onto any skerrick of strength to pull me to the next moment – and the next moment, and the next day, and the next year.

Now, I find myself here. Well. Free of an abusive relationship. However, there is a complete disconnect from that time to this time, because, desperately treading water and moving forward was the only thing I could keep doing, otherwise I would have drowned under its force … and after all, aren’t we always told we must leave the past in the past, and always keep moving forward. Quite frankly, I think is is crap.

I think this does a lot of our hearts in the quest for inner peace, a great disservice. Because moving forwards without dealing properly with the past, is really just a form of denial, and often leaves great gaping holes in us – and hell there are many beautiful things from our past that should never be forgotten. These special memories need to be dusted off and lovingly polished to perfection, because there are times in our lives that deserve to be relived, remembered and cherished – and even the bad ones have helped shape us who we are today.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not talking about wallowing and letting our past debilitate us in the present, and affect our future, but we need to acknowledge the past, before we can fully enjoy the present. So this brings to me to the purpose of this article. The part in this story where I look back at what I have overcome and what I have been through, for it needs to be honoured – not for anybody else, but for myself.

I am proud that I survived nearly a decade of ill health in the face of overwhelming obstacles, not only mostly alone, but with a great amount of dignity, courage and grace. I acknowledge just how horrific this part of my life was and just how amazing I am that I was able to survive it on the day to day basis in the way that I did, and be the person that I am today, despite all of it. I am proud that unless you knew me, you would have had no idea of what I was suffering with, because there was one thing I was determined about, and that was that my health problems were never going to take my spirit away from me. And they didn’t. For it was my spirit that got me through it all.

I acknowledge just how much my last relationship damaged me, and that I didn’t deserve to be treated the way that I was, and in no way was it a reflection on me. I acknowledge that I endured the incomprehensible confusion of being afflicted so much hurt and neglect by someone who appeared to love me so much, and I let go of being so hard on myself that I let him do all that to me (yes, that old nutshell). I am proud that I left that relationship. I am proud that I have built such a happy life since he left me shaking and crying in the corner on the verandah that day.

I acknowledge that it’s okay that the damage of this relationship is resurfacing after all this time (because, hell, don’t others seem to put a time limit on how long it should take?) and that I have lived and achieved so much since then without thinking about him, and this is the natural order of things – because things resurface when they are meant to. When you are ready. When the time is right for you to process them. When you need to in order to properly open your heart in store for someone else to enter it (oh, damn, does this mean I have to give up being a coquettish minx who never forms real relationships with anyone, but thrives on the adventure of taking a lover in a new city or for a new season?)

I am proud of the person I have become. I am proud of what I have achieved in the past few years. Above all, I am proud that no matter what anybody has ever said to me, and despite whatever life has thrown at me or what society has told me I should do, that I have never stopped following my dreams of becoming a writer. I am proud that I stand on my own ground and live life by my own values. I am proud that I don’t draw my self esteem from the job that I do or from what others think of me, but from how I feel about myself from the inside.

What do you need to acknowledge within yourself and what are you proud of?