Last night I had a dream about my ex (oh, please don’t let this be one of those boring stories where someone rehashes their dreams, because we all know nobodies dreams are interesting to anyone but themselves).

It has been nearly 4 years since I left him, so why on earth was I dreaming about him? I should be done, right? Yes, I’ve been with other men. I moved on. I’ve built myself a happy life. I forgot about him in the way you do as the days, months and years pass after the end of a relationship, until the memories eventually fade to nothing.

But, in some ways he’s still part of my life. Not in my thoughts, not in my every day, or in my heart, but I shut myself down from a new relationship in order to protect myself from ever being hurt like that again, and that’s affecting my future.

At the end of my last relationship, I was left nursing a truck load of pain in the middle of a grave and cruel miscarriage of justice that slapped me over the face so hard, that it broke me. It was hardly conducive to signing on the dotted line for another relationship.

So, yes, getting back to that dream I was talking up before.

I felt a pain in my right side and noticed a long gushing wound, where a zip had literally been sewn into my body. But it was coming undone, and the stitches in my skin were bleeding, and it hurt, hurt like hell.

I got on the train and found myself getting off near his house (isn’t it funny how everything looks different in dreams than they do in real life but you know it’s the same place?)

I walked past his dad’s house and there were flowers outside because he had some sort of terminal illness. Then I came to his house and knocked on his door. I didn’t want to go in, so we stood on the stairs and talked.

I asked him how he was and he told me of his new job, his new relationship and all about how well it was working for him. There was a part of me that wanted to run. Run as fast as my legs could take me, because whilst I wanted to know the answers I was afraid he would try and hurt me with his words – and I drew that line in the sand a long time ago.

But, I knew I had to stay and ask the questions that never got answered – the closure I had to walk away without after scraping myself off the front porch that last day I saw him. Deep down, I already I knew the answers (because I knew him better than he knew himself back then) – but I just really needed to hear it at the time to help ease the senselessness. It’s funny the things your heart needs sometimes to heal.

But, as dreams do, I was taken somewhere else. He was running down the street but didn’t see I was there and collided into me. I was holding a packet of Tarot cards and they flew up into the air, but only one fell back down to the ground. Love.

The rampant symbolism of this dream would have a therapist beg me to book a session with them quicker than they could say, “was he always running away from his love for you?”

But, I don’t need to go back over our relationship because I dealt with that a long time ago, and after all, this is a post about letting go. I know the reason why I had this dream is because I need to let go of what is holding me back from entering a new relationship.

I don’t know if I am throwing the forgiveness word around, but I can have hope – hope that our relationship taught him something and this has helped him to be in a happy relationship now – because there’s goodness in that I believe. There’s also a sense of freedom, knowing that I made a difference to his life, even if it does benefit someone else besides me – because then it wasn’t all for nothing. But more importantly, I have hope for myself. Hope that I can stop being so god damn afraid, and, hell, it’s about time I got back on the horse.

It’s taken a long time for me to get here, but that’s the nature of letting go. Letting go, really letting go takes time. Forgiveness and healing happen of their own accord, and I think that many people tell themselves they’ve let go, forgiven or moved on, but are really in a state of denial. For you can’t bullshit your heart – your head might believe that number you’ve pulled on it, but your heart knows. Your heart always knows.

This is why years after the fact, you can suddenly be struck down with memories as your heart and mind reprocess things, in order to for the rest of the healing to take place – and when this happens, you find yourself letting go – naturally, easily, organically. The scars begin to mend and your heart starts to let the sunshine back in.

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It always amazes me that whenever I have the courage to let go of something in life, that something more amazing inevitably takes its place. It’s as though every time I clean out my cupboards, have a good cry or let go of things that aren’t working; something shiny, new and fabulous comes along.

It’s easy to throw out clothes we no longer wear (well, actually I’ve had a few tugs of war over some questionable items of apparel with friends), but letting go of aspects of our life that are not bringing us joy or not working are often much harder.

Why is this you ask? Because often we are bullied by practicality into sticking with something much longer than we should, rather than listen to what our heart and souls are telling us. Rationality can be a big fat tyrant, stepping all over joy and suffocating wisdom, and keep us imprisoned in a life we do not really want to be leading.

When we only listen to our minds and forget to weigh in with our hearts and souls, in the name of being rational, we are actually being very unwise. You see there are many different shades of grey, between black and white.

Life really does have a way of rewarding the brave, who have the guts to trust their inner voices. The same inner voice that tells them something isn’t quite right with the person they’ve just met or the job they went for an interview for, even though they can’t quite put their finger on it.

When you liberate yourself and start living your life being more honest with you really are and what is really right for you, things will start to fall in place. It’s as though there is an energy behind you, that opens doors for you and propels you towards people that you need to meet.

I’m not advocating completely dismissing what your mind has to say, or throwing caution to the wind all the time just to avoid doing things you don’t want to do. What I am saying is that we need to give more credit to the whispers of our souls.

Whilst rationality and practicality seem to yell and scream and bang their fists on the table at us, our souls always speak to us in a soft and loving way. For our souls are speaking the truth and they have no need to resort to aggression to try and persuade us that they are right.

So today as I stand in the middle of a beautiful transition, restructuring my business and letting go of an old hurt that doth love to present itself at Christmas time, I marvel at how life seems to work in such mysterious and wonderful ways.

I smile at the conversations I’ve had over the past few days with fabulous and inspiring people who have new opportunities that make my heart sing, and all the things that been turning up on my door step like magic.

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